I have a feeling this post won't be my most popular post. I'm not sure it will resonate with everyone, but it needs to be said. A change needs to happen in our society. We don't look out for each other. We don't try to posses the wonderful skill of empathy like we should.
Empathy is probably one of the most Godlike qualities we can strive for in this life. To accurately feel another's pain, and understand it, would enable us to be such a resource to those around us.
This is difficult. It get it. It's a virtue that is not likely to be perfected in this life. We can't fully understand something we don't know, and we can't perfectly relate one's pain to another's because we can't perfectly understand the unique series of circumstances that make up another person. I've never broken my arm so it's impossible to think I could really understand that pain. I get it, it's even a bit of an insult to act as if I do.
The problem is people, too often, compare pains as if it is a contest. You know the attitude of oh-you-think-you-have-it-bad-don't-even-talk-to-me-I-have-it-so-much-worse-because-I'm-dealing-with-this... All that does is separates us. It doesn't encourage unity or common ground. It doesn't make either person better understand the other. All it does is deprives us of comfort, and drives a wedge between us.
It compartmentalizes us into different groups of people who might understand our pain, but the truth is pain is so personal, while at the same time being universal. That is to say, literally no one understands our unique and specific pain, yet everyone on this planet experiences pain just as unique as ours. So these little cliques of people we group ourselves with because they, "get it," in reality don't get you, they can't. There is only one who can fully understand your unique pain, and that is the Savior. Everyone else only has a partial picture.
Our world today is all about political correctness, rules, and modern taboos. There are all sorts of lists of things you can, and can't, say to this group, or that group. While I'm a big believer in being sensitive of other people's pain and afflictions, a lot of times it crosses a line.
I have seen innumerable blogs, lists, and articles about what you should never say to a woman going through infertility. A lot of them make sense. Of course you should never say things like, "Maybe God doesn't want you to be a parent," or "You just need to change your attitude and you'd get pregnant." Those would be some pretty cruel and mean things to say. We should always try to be considerate. I have many friends who are living through this pain, and I can see it is suffocating. Sensitivity is always a good thing and I try so hard to err on that side of the fence. So I get the lists... for the most part.
Some of those lists have things that bother me though. Like this one which says to "please be quiet." if you ever want to say something like "I have a small family. I only have 4 children," or this one which suggests you never complain about your pregnancies to an infertile person, unless she asks, even if it is the biggest trial in your life right now; or even this one which as kindly as possible, states it's impossible for infertile women to empathize with other women who don't have that struggle, and they shouldn't even have to try to empathize, because it's an "infertility rite of passage."
The way all that comes across to me is, "You can never understand my pain. Don't try. Your pain doesn't compare. Understand me, while I don't try to understand your point of view at all."
If your sorrow comes from a difficult pregnancy why shouldn't you be able to confide in your friend, even if they are going through something like that? Is a person suffering a very difficult high-risk pregnancy less entitled to comfort just because her womb is full? It's a slippery slope. I understand it's not very sensitive to mindlessly complain about to-be-expected maladies, but for a woman whose whole life has been uprooted by bed-rest, gestational diabetes, or some other scary complication, there is little else to talk about, or occupy her mind. Shouldn't a friend be a friend regardless? Shouldn't we strive for empathy in all situations? If we can only feel empathy for those whose pain is similar, that's not real empathy. A lack of empathy for anyone shouldn't be a badge of honor, or a "rite of passage." It should be a lead to follow to become better.
Now I have a unique perspective. Fertility per say wasn't my problem. I had an easy enough time getting pregnant, though now that I think of it, half my pregnancies ended in miscarriage, but I won't get into that. During the years that I was bringing children into the world, I would never have classified myself as infertile. It would have been a farce, and an insult to those going through that. Now, however, I would. I can't have anymore children and there is a yearning that I'll never satisfy. I understand the jealousy. I understand the difficulty of it being ever present on my mind. In a way I've been able to experience both sides of the pendulum.
You'd think first hand knowledge of the pain of infertility would lead me to agree with these lists more than I previously had, but I still have the same issues with them. It's not fair to suggest that you're part of a club, and push outsiders away for their inability to understand, being critical of their efforts to even try, and shaming those who don't try, while simultaneously refusing to acknowledge their pain as difficult, and their point of view as valid.
No one owns a monopoly on pain.
Pain is universal. We all experience it. It doesn't have to be a competition. When you go to a doctor in pain, they don't ask you what your pain is on a standard scale. The doctor asks you to rate your own pain on your own scale. My pain tolerance may make something that would be a 10 of others a 3 for me, likewise something that is low on the scale for someone else could be a solid 10 for me. Perceptions are different, pain is different, but we all go through it. It can unite us. I may not be able to understand your exact pain, but the fact that we both go through pain can make us comrades in mortality. When someone is having a hard time with something I don't understand, rather than focusing on how different our pain is, I can relate it to my worst pain, and imagine their difficulty in that pain to be just as great. I really believe this can give us a greater capacity for empathy, charity, and love.
There isn't a scale of pain that goes from a hang nail, to suffering infertility, to the death of a loved one. There is the pain of a hangnail. There is also the pain of infertility. There is the pain of losing a loved one. Pain is pain!
People often ask how one gets through an unfathomable pain, but the truth is there is no choice whether to accept a pain or not. My mother lost her precious daughter when she was only 3 years old. People have often asked her how she got through it, and her answer has always been, "I had no other choice!" All pain is that way. When it comes, endurance is our only option. This truth is universal for all of us, and it makes us all the same. There doesn't need to be category, and sub-category of pain. There is one pain, and another pain. Neither depends on the other's supposed level to be valid. When we invalidate people's pain we often turn them away from any comfort at all. It's a dark and lonely place when you feel as if there isn't room in the world for you to heal from the burdens you've been dealt in life.
I've felt that dark place before. I've felt it when a dear friend criticized my soul's complaint of the pain of not being able to have more children, saying I "don't have the right to be sad because [her] pain of being infertile is so much worse." Currently there isn't a place in society for everyone to mourn. Women like me, for one example, have no where to go, no where to mourn. There aren't massive amounts of reading material on what you shouldn't say to us. There is no us! If I were to start a support group I'd be insensitive of someone else's pain. We are insignificant, a small speck on the beginning edge of the pain scale, nothing more than a stubbed toe in comparison to those who "have it worse."
I should rejoice I am blessed to have kids at all. I'm not allowed to be sad because some women can't have any children. My problem, my heartbreak isn't as bad as someone who has always suffered infertility. There is a shame, a stigma, placed on me for being sad that I can't have as many as I wanted. I am viewed as being ungrateful. I am looked at as selfish, a whiner and a complainer. For so long I hid my pain because I felt as if I didn't deserve to feel it.
But pain is pain, and I deserve to feel mine as much as anyone else deserves to feel theirs. Pain isn't a social asset, pain is a tool. It gauges how far along we are in healing. It's a personal way to determine how close to being whole again we are. It's not a spitting contest. It's not a competition. You can't win. It isn't a game.
4/14/2014
4/07/2014
Entitled to Nothing
I've been thinking a lot about my children lately. As they start to grow up I see their unique personalities emerge and it's awe inspiring. Along with their wonderful personalities, and gifts, comes a few less pleasant things, flaws; and some pretty frustrating ones too. I don't want to complain and dump on my kids. I love them. That's not the point of this post. The point it to address the most prevalent problem I see in them, and a lot of other children today. That problem is an inflated sense of entitlement.
A while back I went about my business one day frazzled, and frustrated, trying to get by when I realized something. My kids think they can have anything they want, when they want it, and I have to give it to them. Why? I didn't grow up thinking that or at least I don't think I did. Why do so many kids seems to think that the deserve everything they want? So I've spent some time thinking about it, observing it, and experimenting with things that help nip that ugly trait in the bud. I'm starting to see some improvement, and it's nice. Since as I noticed this seems to be a growing problem a lot of kids I thought I'd share my methods so others can implement them as they wish. Here goes!
1. Consistency is the key- Along with that is a firm alliance with your spouse. It won't be very effective if you are each attempting the same goal with conflicting courses of action. So sit down with your spouse and decide some ground rules. Decide the things you're going to implement together and remain fiercely loyal to that route and to each other. Kids can spot the tiniest crack in your resolve, and they will exploit that like a virus. Yes I just compared children to viruses, not my best analogy...
2. No idle threats- One mistake I often find myself making is follow through. The thing is it's hard to follow through with outrageous threats or rewards. Your children aren't likely to believe you if you threaten to kick them out of the house at age 10, and lets be honest water will freeze in Hell before you'd actually do something like that. Likewise telling them if they behave for an hour you'll take them to Disneyland isn't likely to reap good behavior. "Yeah right!" They will think, "I'm not getting that either way so why be good?" Kids are more logical than any adult ever gives them credit for. It's like we forgot what it was like.
3. In order to teach empathy you have to show empathy- One very important aspect of teaching your kids to respect what they are given, and not always expect more, is to teach them empathy. If they can understand what it's like to not be them, but someone else with less, they will learn to appreciate what they have. The best way to teach empathy is to demonstrate it. For example, my son is always making odd contraptions out of what ever he can get his hands on. Mommy confession: Most of the time the things he makes are useless clutter makers, but they are important to him. When I just throw them out deeming them to be junk, and show no sympathy, or understanding for his feelings, I don't exemplify what it is to feel anothers' pain. When I demonstrate the opposite of empathy for him I teach him that the opposite is acceptable. When he learns that, it's hard to see what he has in comparison to others unless he is seeing what they have and he doesn't. Envy is the opposite of empathy.
4. You lose what you aren't grateful for- One thing I've tried to implement lately was that attitude that if you don't take care of what falls into your lap, and you don't act grateful for it, you lose it. There is a saying that goes, What if you only had today what you thanked God for yesterday? Now I don't make my kids recite each and everything they have, and give thanks for them over an over, but the point is kids will always expect more if you let them believe what they have isn't enough. So when they say a toy is boring, or not as good as another toy they want instead, teach them about gratitude by taking it away and see how they like to have neither what they want, nor what they have. When your kids don't take care of things, they show a careless disregard for things they should be feeling gratitude for. Remove the thing, or privilege and show them they are entitled to nothing.
5. So you showed up? who cares- So often these days prizes are given for merely showing up. You get last place and it's something to be praised. Celebrating mediocrity only breeds more mediocrity, and eventually the level of mediocrity, and extraordinary, will lower to nothing at all, no difference. It's okay to encourage honest effort with happy words of encouragement, but giving unearned rewards teaches kids that their existence is enough to get them far in life. It wont. The truth is adulthood isn't like that. You're boss wont still give you a raise if you don't perform as well as the rest of the team just because you came to work everyday. Employers don't create as many jobs as applicants willing to show up for the interview. We do our children a disservice when we don't teach them rewards must actually be earned, and let them learn a lesson or two about disappointment. Disappointment is such an essential part of life. It humbles us. It motivates us for next time. It teaches us how to praise someone else who earned the prize. When we trade those valuable lessons for a Thanks-for-showing-up pity prize it's kind of like trading the meat of your dinner for an extra dessert. Sure it tastes good in the moment, but after the sugar rush dies you'll be left tired, hungry and fat.
6. You aren't the center of my world- I know this may seem harsh, but my kids aren't the center of my universe. To say my kids are my entire life is both cliche and untrue. They are important to me. They are how I occupy my life. I make sacrifices for them. If necessary I would die to save them. All of that is true, but my existence isn't to serve their every whim. Long before I was Mom I was wife, and long before that I was Meghan. I still am. I have interests, and needs, and goals just like they do. I think it is important that I try to show them that sometimes I come first, sometimes my husband comes first, and always my marriage comes before their temporary happiness. The truth is ultimately the goals of giving your children a truly happy life, and having a strong marriage don't conflict. One can serve the other and do a phenomenal job of doing both. If I focus on making my marriage strong, not allowing any force (Even my children) stand in it's way, I am both modeling a good example of a healthy relationship, and laying the framework to give them a happy life. The thing is it doesn't work both ways. If I put my kid above my marriage, ultimately I wont be doing either any favors. What that teaches them is that someone else is responsible for their happiness. It's their own duty to find their own happiness. They aren't entitled to mine.
7. Be a good example- We hear a lot of chatter about the rising generation, some of it praiseworthy, some of it critical. Some say things like "Kids today don't know anything about respect," "What's wrong with kids today?" or "That's the problem with the next generation" The fact of the matter is the "next generation" isn't just creating themselves. They aren't just being left to their own devices and becoming something entirely different than our generation. Where do you think kids learn these behaviors? Sure it's easy to see the entitlement in them, but looking inward, it cuts a little deeper to recognize it in ourselves. Truth be told our whole society has problems with entitlement. Our generation influences theirs. Perhaps if we can be honest with our own entitlement issues we can identify good ways to eliminate it in us and them?
8. Happy comes from serving not being served- Back to the happiness and empathy topics. There is a good way to become happy. It isn't getting the latest iPhone or video-game gadget. Its forgetting yourself and serving others. The joy I witness my children experience when we decide to surprise Daddy with a special dinner, or chore of his done, is incomparable to any joy they get from opening presents. Children want to help, they want to serve. We need to give them opportunities to develop that talent or we'll choke it out.
9. Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without- Much to my childrens' dismay I don't often replace broken toys or things. We first try to fix them. If unsuccessful we then try to make it work without the broken component. If that wont work we find another purpose for the item. Ideally worn jeans could become quilts, or used up diaper wipe containers become storage for toys and other things. I'm sure you get the idea. "Lets throw it away and get a new one" has become curse words in my home. Teaching kids the value of things will help them see entitlement is silly. Use every drop of shampoo, save leftovers for other meals, or make something new with the leftovers as ingredients. My kids should know that even if we're having the same dinner 3 nights in a row if they don't like it or want something else they'll be going to bed hungry.
10. Broken is sometimes broken- Keeping #9 in mind sometimes broken is broken and gone is gone. There is no fixing it. As a child I loved the story Something From Nothing by Phoebe Gilman. It's the story of a little boy named Joseph who is given a wonderful blanket by his grandfather when he is born. Over the years it gets used, worn, and re-purposed by his grandfather into new thing after new thing: vest, tie, handkerchief; until it becomes a button which ends up getting lost. Frantic he pleads for his grandfather to fix it, but his grandfather cannot and the lesson that you can't make something from nothing is taught. No thing lasts forever, the sooner our children learn this the easier this mortal life will be. When we teach our kids to move on from things and cling to the memory, not the object, we give our kids healthy building blocks to understand and be grateful for what's truly valuable.
11. Your kids need real chores not made up ones- We've all done it. You hand your kid a wash cloth and tell them to wash the already clean floor so they feel like they are "helping." That's okay sometimes, but as our children grow it's important to give them actual chores that are age appropriate. Here is a little hint, most kids are far more capable than you think. Expect more out of them.This will teach them to work hard to earn their keep. I do let my kids earn money, but a very little, and the only purpose is to teach some basic money management skills.
12. Money Management- How are kids to know the value of a dollar if they never use them? How are they to know they don't grow on trees or come very easily if we don't let them see what it is to save, and budget with a little money? "Allowances" as they are often called (I personally hate that name and refer to it as money earned) can be so positive, but you have to do them right. How much is up to you, I tent to err on the side of less is more. My kids earn $1 a week. From that dollar I teach them to save, pay tithing, and purchase things for themselves. Keep in mind I said they EARN $1 They have to earn it which goes hand in hand with #11
13. Entitlement and Respect- You can only expect respect if you give it. Often my kids will yell at me for doing something they felt was unfair. I try not to put up with that. When it gets out of hand sometimes I yell to shock them into submission, and every time I am met with cries of "Don't yell at me," ironic since they yelled first, but I am the adult here, so I wont get into that. It's important to show kids that you are only entitled to respect if you give it to others. It's only when I calm down after yelling like that they listen to me, and change their behavior, likewise they didn't get anywhere initially with me by yelling at me about the unfairness of the situation. They disrespected me and the result was me disrespecting them. I'm not saying my actions in those situations are good. I don't want to teach them an eye-for-an-eye philosophy, but it does cast a glimpse on human nature. You're more likely to respect others if they respect you too. If children learn to respect others they'll soon see they get respect out of it. As a side note I feel it's very important to teach my kids that if you deserve respect you have to expect it or you wont get it. It's okay to demand the respect of others.
14. Don't be afraid to tell outsiders to back off- Society isn't always built to accommodate these ideas. Sometime there are, and are going to be people who try, and will continue to try, to undermine what you are trying to do. Keep in mind the goal of all this is your kids. If necessary boldly tell outsiders to mind their P's and Q's. Whether it be a teacher who is overstepping his/her boundaries, a pushy friend or relative, or just some stranger at the grocery store, stand tall, and don't be afraid to respectfully tell them to butt out. When someone tries to give your children things you've said no to, don't worry about being the bad guy to your kid, or the person trying to undermine your authority. Demand respect for your role as parent.
15. I'm not perfect and neither are you- I know this list feels like I think I'm the best mother ever. I can assure you I'm not, and my kids as wonderful as they are still fall into some of these pitfalls quite often. I'm simply trying to share the things that seem to help and which I think will help. What do you think? What helps you and your kids?
A while back I went about my business one day frazzled, and frustrated, trying to get by when I realized something. My kids think they can have anything they want, when they want it, and I have to give it to them. Why? I didn't grow up thinking that or at least I don't think I did. Why do so many kids seems to think that the deserve everything they want? So I've spent some time thinking about it, observing it, and experimenting with things that help nip that ugly trait in the bud. I'm starting to see some improvement, and it's nice. Since as I noticed this seems to be a growing problem a lot of kids I thought I'd share my methods so others can implement them as they wish. Here goes!
1. Consistency is the key- Along with that is a firm alliance with your spouse. It won't be very effective if you are each attempting the same goal with conflicting courses of action. So sit down with your spouse and decide some ground rules. Decide the things you're going to implement together and remain fiercely loyal to that route and to each other. Kids can spot the tiniest crack in your resolve, and they will exploit that like a virus. Yes I just compared children to viruses, not my best analogy...
2. No idle threats- One mistake I often find myself making is follow through. The thing is it's hard to follow through with outrageous threats or rewards. Your children aren't likely to believe you if you threaten to kick them out of the house at age 10, and lets be honest water will freeze in Hell before you'd actually do something like that. Likewise telling them if they behave for an hour you'll take them to Disneyland isn't likely to reap good behavior. "Yeah right!" They will think, "I'm not getting that either way so why be good?" Kids are more logical than any adult ever gives them credit for. It's like we forgot what it was like.
3. In order to teach empathy you have to show empathy- One very important aspect of teaching your kids to respect what they are given, and not always expect more, is to teach them empathy. If they can understand what it's like to not be them, but someone else with less, they will learn to appreciate what they have. The best way to teach empathy is to demonstrate it. For example, my son is always making odd contraptions out of what ever he can get his hands on. Mommy confession: Most of the time the things he makes are useless clutter makers, but they are important to him. When I just throw them out deeming them to be junk, and show no sympathy, or understanding for his feelings, I don't exemplify what it is to feel anothers' pain. When I demonstrate the opposite of empathy for him I teach him that the opposite is acceptable. When he learns that, it's hard to see what he has in comparison to others unless he is seeing what they have and he doesn't. Envy is the opposite of empathy.
4. You lose what you aren't grateful for- One thing I've tried to implement lately was that attitude that if you don't take care of what falls into your lap, and you don't act grateful for it, you lose it. There is a saying that goes, What if you only had today what you thanked God for yesterday? Now I don't make my kids recite each and everything they have, and give thanks for them over an over, but the point is kids will always expect more if you let them believe what they have isn't enough. So when they say a toy is boring, or not as good as another toy they want instead, teach them about gratitude by taking it away and see how they like to have neither what they want, nor what they have. When your kids don't take care of things, they show a careless disregard for things they should be feeling gratitude for. Remove the thing, or privilege and show them they are entitled to nothing.
5. So you showed up? who cares- So often these days prizes are given for merely showing up. You get last place and it's something to be praised. Celebrating mediocrity only breeds more mediocrity, and eventually the level of mediocrity, and extraordinary, will lower to nothing at all, no difference. It's okay to encourage honest effort with happy words of encouragement, but giving unearned rewards teaches kids that their existence is enough to get them far in life. It wont. The truth is adulthood isn't like that. You're boss wont still give you a raise if you don't perform as well as the rest of the team just because you came to work everyday. Employers don't create as many jobs as applicants willing to show up for the interview. We do our children a disservice when we don't teach them rewards must actually be earned, and let them learn a lesson or two about disappointment. Disappointment is such an essential part of life. It humbles us. It motivates us for next time. It teaches us how to praise someone else who earned the prize. When we trade those valuable lessons for a Thanks-for-showing-up pity prize it's kind of like trading the meat of your dinner for an extra dessert. Sure it tastes good in the moment, but after the sugar rush dies you'll be left tired, hungry and fat.
6. You aren't the center of my world- I know this may seem harsh, but my kids aren't the center of my universe. To say my kids are my entire life is both cliche and untrue. They are important to me. They are how I occupy my life. I make sacrifices for them. If necessary I would die to save them. All of that is true, but my existence isn't to serve their every whim. Long before I was Mom I was wife, and long before that I was Meghan. I still am. I have interests, and needs, and goals just like they do. I think it is important that I try to show them that sometimes I come first, sometimes my husband comes first, and always my marriage comes before their temporary happiness. The truth is ultimately the goals of giving your children a truly happy life, and having a strong marriage don't conflict. One can serve the other and do a phenomenal job of doing both. If I focus on making my marriage strong, not allowing any force (Even my children) stand in it's way, I am both modeling a good example of a healthy relationship, and laying the framework to give them a happy life. The thing is it doesn't work both ways. If I put my kid above my marriage, ultimately I wont be doing either any favors. What that teaches them is that someone else is responsible for their happiness. It's their own duty to find their own happiness. They aren't entitled to mine.
7. Be a good example- We hear a lot of chatter about the rising generation, some of it praiseworthy, some of it critical. Some say things like "Kids today don't know anything about respect," "What's wrong with kids today?" or "That's the problem with the next generation" The fact of the matter is the "next generation" isn't just creating themselves. They aren't just being left to their own devices and becoming something entirely different than our generation. Where do you think kids learn these behaviors? Sure it's easy to see the entitlement in them, but looking inward, it cuts a little deeper to recognize it in ourselves. Truth be told our whole society has problems with entitlement. Our generation influences theirs. Perhaps if we can be honest with our own entitlement issues we can identify good ways to eliminate it in us and them?
8. Happy comes from serving not being served- Back to the happiness and empathy topics. There is a good way to become happy. It isn't getting the latest iPhone or video-game gadget. Its forgetting yourself and serving others. The joy I witness my children experience when we decide to surprise Daddy with a special dinner, or chore of his done, is incomparable to any joy they get from opening presents. Children want to help, they want to serve. We need to give them opportunities to develop that talent or we'll choke it out.
9. Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without- Much to my childrens' dismay I don't often replace broken toys or things. We first try to fix them. If unsuccessful we then try to make it work without the broken component. If that wont work we find another purpose for the item. Ideally worn jeans could become quilts, or used up diaper wipe containers become storage for toys and other things. I'm sure you get the idea. "Lets throw it away and get a new one" has become curse words in my home. Teaching kids the value of things will help them see entitlement is silly. Use every drop of shampoo, save leftovers for other meals, or make something new with the leftovers as ingredients. My kids should know that even if we're having the same dinner 3 nights in a row if they don't like it or want something else they'll be going to bed hungry.
10. Broken is sometimes broken- Keeping #9 in mind sometimes broken is broken and gone is gone. There is no fixing it. As a child I loved the story Something From Nothing by Phoebe Gilman. It's the story of a little boy named Joseph who is given a wonderful blanket by his grandfather when he is born. Over the years it gets used, worn, and re-purposed by his grandfather into new thing after new thing: vest, tie, handkerchief; until it becomes a button which ends up getting lost. Frantic he pleads for his grandfather to fix it, but his grandfather cannot and the lesson that you can't make something from nothing is taught. No thing lasts forever, the sooner our children learn this the easier this mortal life will be. When we teach our kids to move on from things and cling to the memory, not the object, we give our kids healthy building blocks to understand and be grateful for what's truly valuable.
11. Your kids need real chores not made up ones- We've all done it. You hand your kid a wash cloth and tell them to wash the already clean floor so they feel like they are "helping." That's okay sometimes, but as our children grow it's important to give them actual chores that are age appropriate. Here is a little hint, most kids are far more capable than you think. Expect more out of them.This will teach them to work hard to earn their keep. I do let my kids earn money, but a very little, and the only purpose is to teach some basic money management skills.
12. Money Management- How are kids to know the value of a dollar if they never use them? How are they to know they don't grow on trees or come very easily if we don't let them see what it is to save, and budget with a little money? "Allowances" as they are often called (I personally hate that name and refer to it as money earned) can be so positive, but you have to do them right. How much is up to you, I tent to err on the side of less is more. My kids earn $1 a week. From that dollar I teach them to save, pay tithing, and purchase things for themselves. Keep in mind I said they EARN $1 They have to earn it which goes hand in hand with #11
13. Entitlement and Respect- You can only expect respect if you give it. Often my kids will yell at me for doing something they felt was unfair. I try not to put up with that. When it gets out of hand sometimes I yell to shock them into submission, and every time I am met with cries of "Don't yell at me," ironic since they yelled first, but I am the adult here, so I wont get into that. It's important to show kids that you are only entitled to respect if you give it to others. It's only when I calm down after yelling like that they listen to me, and change their behavior, likewise they didn't get anywhere initially with me by yelling at me about the unfairness of the situation. They disrespected me and the result was me disrespecting them. I'm not saying my actions in those situations are good. I don't want to teach them an eye-for-an-eye philosophy, but it does cast a glimpse on human nature. You're more likely to respect others if they respect you too. If children learn to respect others they'll soon see they get respect out of it. As a side note I feel it's very important to teach my kids that if you deserve respect you have to expect it or you wont get it. It's okay to demand the respect of others.
14. Don't be afraid to tell outsiders to back off- Society isn't always built to accommodate these ideas. Sometime there are, and are going to be people who try, and will continue to try, to undermine what you are trying to do. Keep in mind the goal of all this is your kids. If necessary boldly tell outsiders to mind their P's and Q's. Whether it be a teacher who is overstepping his/her boundaries, a pushy friend or relative, or just some stranger at the grocery store, stand tall, and don't be afraid to respectfully tell them to butt out. When someone tries to give your children things you've said no to, don't worry about being the bad guy to your kid, or the person trying to undermine your authority. Demand respect for your role as parent.
15. I'm not perfect and neither are you- I know this list feels like I think I'm the best mother ever. I can assure you I'm not, and my kids as wonderful as they are still fall into some of these pitfalls quite often. I'm simply trying to share the things that seem to help and which I think will help. What do you think? What helps you and your kids?
3/28/2014
You're April Fool's Joke Makes You Look Like a Fool
Just to give my readers fair warning this post get's a little personal and emotional, so please be considerate as you comment. If you disagree, that's okay, but please be respectful.
Where to start? Okay here goes... It's almost that time of year where we get to have a little harmless fun at each others expense. That's right. We get to play a few innocent practical jokes on each other for April Fools Day. I'm not too sensitive. It can be lots of fun. I'm sure Tuesday we'll wake up and be sure to find websites with their clever memes, friends' hilarious stories of how they fooled their family members, friends, and co-workers, and along with all that, unfortunately, I'm sure we'll find a few fake pregnancy announcements.
"It's all fun and games," we say, "It's just a joke." The thing is it isn't a joke, not to everyone. It doesn't come across that way, and I'm going to chime in on the reasons why.
Before I go on I need to make it clear. I'm not one for comparison of personal trials and pain. Everyone has troubles, and far too often we try to justify our pain as, "so much worse" than another person's pain. This bothers me, because if there is one thing about pain that's true; it's that it's universal. Not a man, woman or child does not experience pain, trials, and suffering in some way, shape, or form. My pain and yours might be vastly different, but it's still pain, and it's still overwhelming for both of us. We should learn to use this to unite mankind. We all have something in common, maybe this will help us understand each other. So this post isn't meant to put the type of pain I'm about to describe above all other pain. It is hard to endure, and there are those who may not have any understanding of why. For this reason I want to dive into this issue, not to say, "I've got it so much worse than the rest of you." I hope that's clear.
If you haven't figured out the topic of my post yet I'll tell you now. It's cruel to joke about feigned pregnancies when there are so many out there that struggle with this pain. It's one thing to have no understanding of the complexity of the issue. Truth be told it shouldn't be expected of you to understand perfectly, but it can, and should, be expected that we don't poke fun at other peoples' suffering. It's inconsiderate, ignorant, insensitive, and to be frank, it's down right mean.
I understand most of the time this isn't done maliciously. The intentions behind these April Fools jokes aren't to actually hurt another person, but the fact of the matter is that it does, and the purpose of this post it to educate you as to why.
Now I'm going to get a little personal. I have 3 beautiful children. They are a blessing in so many ways and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be a mother, and especially to have had the chance to carry my 3 wonderful little blessings in my own womb. I'll never lose my gratitude for that, but getting them here wasn't easy. My body didn't seem well equipped for pregnancy and at times it was very scary. Along with my 3 pregnancies that resulted in amazing children, I had several miscarriages, and a wide array of life-threatening complications. When I was pregnant with my last child my doctor told me I couldn't have any more children. I'm coming to terms with this, but if I'm perfectly honest about it, I'm still devastated. I wanted a large family of 5 or 6 children. I'm grateful for the 3 I have, but a void has been left for the 3 I dreamed about, and planned for. 3 names I've already picked out. 3 births I'll never experience. 3 first days of Kindergarten I'll never get to see. 3 first steps, 3 first dates, 3 graduation days I'll never see. A Mother's hopes and dreams for 3 children never fulfilled. So I mourn. Not an actual death, which anyone could understand is hard, but the death of a dream, which isn't as tangible to outsiders. The death of a plan and way of life I saw myself living. I mourn the rejection of accomplishing a righteous goal. I mourn the children that would be mine if I had a better more capable body; my body, not my husbands, Mine. My dreams are shattered and it's my stupid, good-for-nothing, body's fault. Sometimes it feels like someone died.
One thing that's become difficult is other people announcing their pregnancies, especially if they already have several children. Whereas once I could hear this happy moment and simply say, "congratulations," the moment I hear the wonderful news a war starts within me now. One side feels happy for the mother-to-be, and wants to express that joy I feel for her. The other side is jolted back to the painful empty void that rests within me, and I am silenced, all breath removed from my chest, as I stand frozen, suffocating, in the void. The void that tells me, "You'll never experience that joy for yourself again" "Look they must be so much better than you, they can do this, you can't" During the course of this war I feel jealousy the likes of which are hard to imagine, then my more charitable side strikes, and I realize I need to be happy for her, then I feel overwhelming guilt for making her happy moment about me, then that negativity leads to more jealousy and self loathing, "Maybe that's why I can't have more children, I'm not a good enough person" Finally after a raging battle I arrive at a good place, a happy place, a place where I can compartmentalize my pain away, and just feel joy for my loved one. The battle leaves me emotionally exhausted.
So when I go through that battle, and then find out that the announcement was a hoax, a joke, meant to make people laugh. I feel even worse. All that turmoil, all that warring with myself, all that guilt, all that loneliness, all that joy was all in vain. The joy at the end of the dark tunnel is suddenly ripped from me, and all that's left is the sting from the less pleasant things I endured during the battle. Those remain. The hoax can't remove them. I'm left wounded. For what? So a few people could get a few laughs? Is anyone really laughing at this? I can't imagine it's funny to anyone.
There are so many women who can relate. Woman who unlike me aren't blessed with any opportunity to have children. Woman who never get the opportunity to even get married. Woman who have had miscarriage after miscarriage, or even women who have only had one. Women whose only option is adoption, which is a wonderful thing that may enable them to be mothers, but will never cure their infertility. It will never fill the void of never getting to experience carrying life inside herself. I dare say we are all united on this subject. It hurts.
So April 1st when you log on to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, or whatever social media platform suits your fancy, or even when you're sitting joking with your friends an family in person, please think twice before you throw out a fake pregnancy announcement. No one is laughing.
Where to start? Okay here goes... It's almost that time of year where we get to have a little harmless fun at each others expense. That's right. We get to play a few innocent practical jokes on each other for April Fools Day. I'm not too sensitive. It can be lots of fun. I'm sure Tuesday we'll wake up and be sure to find websites with their clever memes, friends' hilarious stories of how they fooled their family members, friends, and co-workers, and along with all that, unfortunately, I'm sure we'll find a few fake pregnancy announcements.
"It's all fun and games," we say, "It's just a joke." The thing is it isn't a joke, not to everyone. It doesn't come across that way, and I'm going to chime in on the reasons why.
Before I go on I need to make it clear. I'm not one for comparison of personal trials and pain. Everyone has troubles, and far too often we try to justify our pain as, "so much worse" than another person's pain. This bothers me, because if there is one thing about pain that's true; it's that it's universal. Not a man, woman or child does not experience pain, trials, and suffering in some way, shape, or form. My pain and yours might be vastly different, but it's still pain, and it's still overwhelming for both of us. We should learn to use this to unite mankind. We all have something in common, maybe this will help us understand each other. So this post isn't meant to put the type of pain I'm about to describe above all other pain. It is hard to endure, and there are those who may not have any understanding of why. For this reason I want to dive into this issue, not to say, "I've got it so much worse than the rest of you." I hope that's clear.
If you haven't figured out the topic of my post yet I'll tell you now. It's cruel to joke about feigned pregnancies when there are so many out there that struggle with this pain. It's one thing to have no understanding of the complexity of the issue. Truth be told it shouldn't be expected of you to understand perfectly, but it can, and should, be expected that we don't poke fun at other peoples' suffering. It's inconsiderate, ignorant, insensitive, and to be frank, it's down right mean.
I understand most of the time this isn't done maliciously. The intentions behind these April Fools jokes aren't to actually hurt another person, but the fact of the matter is that it does, and the purpose of this post it to educate you as to why.
Now I'm going to get a little personal. I have 3 beautiful children. They are a blessing in so many ways and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be a mother, and especially to have had the chance to carry my 3 wonderful little blessings in my own womb. I'll never lose my gratitude for that, but getting them here wasn't easy. My body didn't seem well equipped for pregnancy and at times it was very scary. Along with my 3 pregnancies that resulted in amazing children, I had several miscarriages, and a wide array of life-threatening complications. When I was pregnant with my last child my doctor told me I couldn't have any more children. I'm coming to terms with this, but if I'm perfectly honest about it, I'm still devastated. I wanted a large family of 5 or 6 children. I'm grateful for the 3 I have, but a void has been left for the 3 I dreamed about, and planned for. 3 names I've already picked out. 3 births I'll never experience. 3 first days of Kindergarten I'll never get to see. 3 first steps, 3 first dates, 3 graduation days I'll never see. A Mother's hopes and dreams for 3 children never fulfilled. So I mourn. Not an actual death, which anyone could understand is hard, but the death of a dream, which isn't as tangible to outsiders. The death of a plan and way of life I saw myself living. I mourn the rejection of accomplishing a righteous goal. I mourn the children that would be mine if I had a better more capable body; my body, not my husbands, Mine. My dreams are shattered and it's my stupid, good-for-nothing, body's fault. Sometimes it feels like someone died.
One thing that's become difficult is other people announcing their pregnancies, especially if they already have several children. Whereas once I could hear this happy moment and simply say, "congratulations," the moment I hear the wonderful news a war starts within me now. One side feels happy for the mother-to-be, and wants to express that joy I feel for her. The other side is jolted back to the painful empty void that rests within me, and I am silenced, all breath removed from my chest, as I stand frozen, suffocating, in the void. The void that tells me, "You'll never experience that joy for yourself again" "Look they must be so much better than you, they can do this, you can't" During the course of this war I feel jealousy the likes of which are hard to imagine, then my more charitable side strikes, and I realize I need to be happy for her, then I feel overwhelming guilt for making her happy moment about me, then that negativity leads to more jealousy and self loathing, "Maybe that's why I can't have more children, I'm not a good enough person" Finally after a raging battle I arrive at a good place, a happy place, a place where I can compartmentalize my pain away, and just feel joy for my loved one. The battle leaves me emotionally exhausted.
So when I go through that battle, and then find out that the announcement was a hoax, a joke, meant to make people laugh. I feel even worse. All that turmoil, all that warring with myself, all that guilt, all that loneliness, all that joy was all in vain. The joy at the end of the dark tunnel is suddenly ripped from me, and all that's left is the sting from the less pleasant things I endured during the battle. Those remain. The hoax can't remove them. I'm left wounded. For what? So a few people could get a few laughs? Is anyone really laughing at this? I can't imagine it's funny to anyone.
There are so many women who can relate. Woman who unlike me aren't blessed with any opportunity to have children. Woman who never get the opportunity to even get married. Woman who have had miscarriage after miscarriage, or even women who have only had one. Women whose only option is adoption, which is a wonderful thing that may enable them to be mothers, but will never cure their infertility. It will never fill the void of never getting to experience carrying life inside herself. I dare say we are all united on this subject. It hurts.
So April 1st when you log on to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, or whatever social media platform suits your fancy, or even when you're sitting joking with your friends an family in person, please think twice before you throw out a fake pregnancy announcement. No one is laughing.
3/24/2014
Feminism: You're Doing It Wrong
I was chatting with a friend today about the new feminist movement within the LDS Church, ultimately aimed at getting women to hold priesthood leadership positions within it. She feels strongly in support of it. I do not. I remember about a year and a half ago, there was this push to have woman show their support by wearing pants to Sunday Services. This civil disobedience had the determination that somehow showing that we dress like men meant we were the same as men.
With all due respect to this friend of mine, it's total nonsense. Since I am speaking on a religious issue, it's a great opportunity to share my personal testimony of my believe in the Church I belong to. I understand some of my readers may not feel the same way. This isn't meant to alienate or even convert anyone. It's simply a part of me, and I can't really compartmentalize it out of this blog. I love my belief system, but that doesn't mean I don't hold respect for others who might disagree with me. So before you go on, know this; I truly strive to love as my Father in Heaven does, that means everyone! He doesn't withhold love from any gender, race, religion, or even lifestyle. He loves you, and I model my life after His Son's, who modeled that love perfectly. If you disagree, bare with me. I have some more secular thoughts as well.
The group or movement believes that women are being treated unfairly and unequally within the LDS Church and it's community. They feel this way because women don't hold the priesthood. They "believe that much of the cultural, structural, and even doctrinal inequality that persists in the LDS Church stems from the Church's reliance on- and enforcement of- rigid gender roles that bear no relationship to reality," as stated to the media and on the Facebook page of the movement.
The almost humorous thing is, the LDS Church doesn't care if you were pants to Church so the pun is really on them. In regards to the campaign the Church released a statement saying, "Attending Church is about worship and learning to be followers of Jesus Christ. Generally Church members are encouraged to wear their best clothing as a sign of respect for the Savior, but we don't counsel people beyond that."
To this, supporters say, "It isn't really about the pant's. It's about equality," but really it's about tit-for-tat. It's about wanting every single thing a man has, as if that indicates we are equals. It's flawed. I don't need such things to feel equal to men. A diamond is vastly different than a nugget of gold, but both hold the same value, and both are needed to make a stunning diamond ring.
The women who follow this movement are upset about some odd things in my opinion. They are upset that men can be bishops and women can't, that men hold the priesthood and women don't. To that I say, why do you want it so bad? Holding that priesthood comes with a lot of responsibility, obligation, and a promise that if you don't honor it, you'll be held accountable. The other thing about the priesthood is this. Holding is does nothing whatsoever for the holder, it only enables him to serve others. A man can't give himself a priesthood blessing, and a bishop isn't paid for his hard work and sacrifice. Women don't need the priesthood to serve others as faithfully as men do. We only need to seek those opportunities and God will provide them. So you want me to have the priesthood? No thanks!
Really this whole thing just makes women seem petty. Once upon a time there were many genuine reasons for women to complain about equality, when we couldn't vote, or hold property, or things of that nature. Even today I'll admit there are things in this world that are unfair. It's unfair that some musicians can become millionaires by singing about women in such a disrespectful way. It's unfair that a woman, just as able, and educated, makes a significant amount less than a man does in the same job. It's unfair that in a lot of places in the world women are really treated like trash, but, and even saying this I long for fairness on those issues, the token has another side.
There are also issues in equality that don't favor men. Just ask the man who fathered the child of the pregnant woman who gets to proclaim that her body is hers and she and only she should have a say in what happens to the unborn child in her womb. Ask the man working 2 or 3 jobs so he can pay alimony to the wife who selfishly ended their marriage with infidelity. Ask the father who'd give anything to take care of his child, but instead has to settle for 2 weekend visits a month, and a child support check he has to pay. An unfortunate fact that stands true, is that as a whole world society, we haven't reached true equality yet, but in the fight for it we should be protesting those things, not the Church, which in my opinion actually models true equality. If the whole world followed that example this wouldn't be a social discussion. I suppose that's my opinion though.
Sure there are traditions within Church culture that may be unfair, but these traditions are carried out by members, not the Church itself. Sometimes people act as if the members of the Church aren't as varied and flawed as every other religion out there. We are human, just like everyone else. The problem is, these women are trying to counsel the Church, and trying to counsel God.
If their message was to point out, and encourage change in the flaws of members of the Church, who judge others, I may have a different opinion on the matter. Members of the Church aren't perfect, and sometimes we have the tendency to judge each other. It's true there are those who judge and gossip about women who wear pants to Church. If this protest's message was aimed at showing members who act that way, that we shouldn't think that way, or if it was to support those who's best really is a pair of slacks, I might be a supporter, but no. The point of it is to get a message across to the leaders of the Church that some women want the priesthood.
What they fail to see though is God is the head of the Church, and as a perfect being He has no need of being chastised by us, his children who are in every way not his equals. If they could only see past the 3 men on the stand at Church every week, and grasp the true order of the gospel, they wouldn't find issues with equality.
I have always felt special and valued as a woman in this Church, often above men. If you truly study the gospel you'll find that Heavenly Father treasures us! This "protest" will do nothing but show disrespect for God. The Church has never told me I'd be kicked out or excommunicated if I wore pants to Church. I know women who already do and they've never been told not to. This just seems to me a little like a child refusing to eat dinner because they are mad their parents put broccoli on their plate. Refusing the sustenance will only hurt the child, and broccoli isn't bad and certainly wasn't meant to show that parents are better than the child.
The truth is this and here's where I share my testimony. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, who loves me and I love him. I will stand as a witness of God at all times, and in all things, and in all places. I believe as I strive to live the roles He set for me, and accept the divine role assigned to me, I will receive blessings, both in mortality and eternity. My part will ensure I obtain exaltation. There is nothing promised to men that isn't also promised to me.
If you're still reading this, and aren't Mormon. I apologize. That's a lot of information and I assume at times it was pretty confusing if you aren't versed in the dialogue of my religion. The next part of this post will go in to the biggest reason I feel this whole things is hogwash.
It feels like extremely misguided feminism. The whole feminist movement in general seems to have veered in the wrong direction, down some dark alleys that have turned it into something else. There's the one side of it that states that women shouldn't be confined to stereotypes. We can do whatever men can do! That sounds all fine and dandy, but when a woman, like me, has chosen to spend her life cooking meals, and raising children, she becomes labeled as an insult to women everywhere, a betrayer of the cause. It's impossible for me to declare my worth as a woman, unless I abandon my family, get a career, and concede that children are a prison who robbed me of my true womanhood. We must homogenize our gender. Don't celebrate your fertility, end it, or you don't support feminism. Motherhood is the enemy to feminism! That's really backwards...
If it's not that its veered far past equality and straight to superiority. Women are not equal to men. We are better than men! We can do everything they can do, and we can do it better. We deserve MORE credit than men. This seems to be the current end goal of the feminist movement. That's not fair. It isn't. It's hypocritical and ignorant.
Why do we want to be the same anyway? Our differences are a blessing.
As a woman I see it. I know that being a woman rocks! My natural ability to be nurturing, and see beauty is a blessing! The fact that I was able to grow 3 beautiful children in my womb is incredible! Why would I want to get rid of those things, just to be like someone else? In every other aspect of life uniqueness is celebrated, and encouraged! Why not this? We hear it all the time, "Don't conform!" Why should I conform to be just like a man?
I have abilities and gifts my husband doesn't have, why shouldn't he have abilities and gifts I don't? That's true equality! My gifts, and his, when combined bless our entire family. We are different. Biology tells us so. We can try with all our might to be the same, but it'll never be true. Equality is possible without conformity. Equality means bringing us to a place where women are viewed as of the same value, not pretending we are men. I don't want to be a man. The only thing worse, in my opinion, would be pathetically trying to be one. I love being a woman! Don't join the movement that makes you feel you need to be something else. Real feminists see that.
With all due respect to this friend of mine, it's total nonsense. Since I am speaking on a religious issue, it's a great opportunity to share my personal testimony of my believe in the Church I belong to. I understand some of my readers may not feel the same way. This isn't meant to alienate or even convert anyone. It's simply a part of me, and I can't really compartmentalize it out of this blog. I love my belief system, but that doesn't mean I don't hold respect for others who might disagree with me. So before you go on, know this; I truly strive to love as my Father in Heaven does, that means everyone! He doesn't withhold love from any gender, race, religion, or even lifestyle. He loves you, and I model my life after His Son's, who modeled that love perfectly. If you disagree, bare with me. I have some more secular thoughts as well.
The group or movement believes that women are being treated unfairly and unequally within the LDS Church and it's community. They feel this way because women don't hold the priesthood. They "believe that much of the cultural, structural, and even doctrinal inequality that persists in the LDS Church stems from the Church's reliance on- and enforcement of- rigid gender roles that bear no relationship to reality," as stated to the media and on the Facebook page of the movement.
The almost humorous thing is, the LDS Church doesn't care if you were pants to Church so the pun is really on them. In regards to the campaign the Church released a statement saying, "Attending Church is about worship and learning to be followers of Jesus Christ. Generally Church members are encouraged to wear their best clothing as a sign of respect for the Savior, but we don't counsel people beyond that."
To this, supporters say, "It isn't really about the pant's. It's about equality," but really it's about tit-for-tat. It's about wanting every single thing a man has, as if that indicates we are equals. It's flawed. I don't need such things to feel equal to men. A diamond is vastly different than a nugget of gold, but both hold the same value, and both are needed to make a stunning diamond ring.
The women who follow this movement are upset about some odd things in my opinion. They are upset that men can be bishops and women can't, that men hold the priesthood and women don't. To that I say, why do you want it so bad? Holding that priesthood comes with a lot of responsibility, obligation, and a promise that if you don't honor it, you'll be held accountable. The other thing about the priesthood is this. Holding is does nothing whatsoever for the holder, it only enables him to serve others. A man can't give himself a priesthood blessing, and a bishop isn't paid for his hard work and sacrifice. Women don't need the priesthood to serve others as faithfully as men do. We only need to seek those opportunities and God will provide them. So you want me to have the priesthood? No thanks!
Really this whole thing just makes women seem petty. Once upon a time there were many genuine reasons for women to complain about equality, when we couldn't vote, or hold property, or things of that nature. Even today I'll admit there are things in this world that are unfair. It's unfair that some musicians can become millionaires by singing about women in such a disrespectful way. It's unfair that a woman, just as able, and educated, makes a significant amount less than a man does in the same job. It's unfair that in a lot of places in the world women are really treated like trash, but, and even saying this I long for fairness on those issues, the token has another side.
There are also issues in equality that don't favor men. Just ask the man who fathered the child of the pregnant woman who gets to proclaim that her body is hers and she and only she should have a say in what happens to the unborn child in her womb. Ask the man working 2 or 3 jobs so he can pay alimony to the wife who selfishly ended their marriage with infidelity. Ask the father who'd give anything to take care of his child, but instead has to settle for 2 weekend visits a month, and a child support check he has to pay. An unfortunate fact that stands true, is that as a whole world society, we haven't reached true equality yet, but in the fight for it we should be protesting those things, not the Church, which in my opinion actually models true equality. If the whole world followed that example this wouldn't be a social discussion. I suppose that's my opinion though.
Sure there are traditions within Church culture that may be unfair, but these traditions are carried out by members, not the Church itself. Sometimes people act as if the members of the Church aren't as varied and flawed as every other religion out there. We are human, just like everyone else. The problem is, these women are trying to counsel the Church, and trying to counsel God.
If their message was to point out, and encourage change in the flaws of members of the Church, who judge others, I may have a different opinion on the matter. Members of the Church aren't perfect, and sometimes we have the tendency to judge each other. It's true there are those who judge and gossip about women who wear pants to Church. If this protest's message was aimed at showing members who act that way, that we shouldn't think that way, or if it was to support those who's best really is a pair of slacks, I might be a supporter, but no. The point of it is to get a message across to the leaders of the Church that some women want the priesthood.
What they fail to see though is God is the head of the Church, and as a perfect being He has no need of being chastised by us, his children who are in every way not his equals. If they could only see past the 3 men on the stand at Church every week, and grasp the true order of the gospel, they wouldn't find issues with equality.
I have always felt special and valued as a woman in this Church, often above men. If you truly study the gospel you'll find that Heavenly Father treasures us! This "protest" will do nothing but show disrespect for God. The Church has never told me I'd be kicked out or excommunicated if I wore pants to Church. I know women who already do and they've never been told not to. This just seems to me a little like a child refusing to eat dinner because they are mad their parents put broccoli on their plate. Refusing the sustenance will only hurt the child, and broccoli isn't bad and certainly wasn't meant to show that parents are better than the child.
The truth is this and here's where I share my testimony. I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father, who loves me and I love him. I will stand as a witness of God at all times, and in all things, and in all places. I believe as I strive to live the roles He set for me, and accept the divine role assigned to me, I will receive blessings, both in mortality and eternity. My part will ensure I obtain exaltation. There is nothing promised to men that isn't also promised to me.
If you're still reading this, and aren't Mormon. I apologize. That's a lot of information and I assume at times it was pretty confusing if you aren't versed in the dialogue of my religion. The next part of this post will go in to the biggest reason I feel this whole things is hogwash.
It feels like extremely misguided feminism. The whole feminist movement in general seems to have veered in the wrong direction, down some dark alleys that have turned it into something else. There's the one side of it that states that women shouldn't be confined to stereotypes. We can do whatever men can do! That sounds all fine and dandy, but when a woman, like me, has chosen to spend her life cooking meals, and raising children, she becomes labeled as an insult to women everywhere, a betrayer of the cause. It's impossible for me to declare my worth as a woman, unless I abandon my family, get a career, and concede that children are a prison who robbed me of my true womanhood. We must homogenize our gender. Don't celebrate your fertility, end it, or you don't support feminism. Motherhood is the enemy to feminism! That's really backwards...
If it's not that its veered far past equality and straight to superiority. Women are not equal to men. We are better than men! We can do everything they can do, and we can do it better. We deserve MORE credit than men. This seems to be the current end goal of the feminist movement. That's not fair. It isn't. It's hypocritical and ignorant.
Why do we want to be the same anyway? Our differences are a blessing.
As a woman I see it. I know that being a woman rocks! My natural ability to be nurturing, and see beauty is a blessing! The fact that I was able to grow 3 beautiful children in my womb is incredible! Why would I want to get rid of those things, just to be like someone else? In every other aspect of life uniqueness is celebrated, and encouraged! Why not this? We hear it all the time, "Don't conform!" Why should I conform to be just like a man?
I have abilities and gifts my husband doesn't have, why shouldn't he have abilities and gifts I don't? That's true equality! My gifts, and his, when combined bless our entire family. We are different. Biology tells us so. We can try with all our might to be the same, but it'll never be true. Equality is possible without conformity. Equality means bringing us to a place where women are viewed as of the same value, not pretending we are men. I don't want to be a man. The only thing worse, in my opinion, would be pathetically trying to be one. I love being a woman! Don't join the movement that makes you feel you need to be something else. Real feminists see that.
3/17/2014
Spread the Word to End the Word, and Create Another Word in It's Place.
I recently clicked this link posted by a friend on Facebook. If you follow it you'll be taken to a page where someone attempts to educate you on the negative consequences of using the word "retard" A clever flow chart is given, where all options point to the same conclusion, being "use a different word." This indicates that eliminating the word entirely from our vocabulary is the only acceptable option to end the horrific negative consequences of this word in our society, mirroring the views of campaigns such as "spread the word to end the word".
Attempting to further convince you, the author shares a letter from John Franklin Stephens, a Special Olympics athlete who has Downs Syndrome. The letter is touching and humbling. It hits close to home for me for reasons I don't care to detail on this blog. I want to start off by stating that my opinions aren't an attempt to belittle John's voice. He is, and it's certainly well deserved, a hero to me and many others.
He writes the letter to a Ms. Ann Coulter, who apparently isn't well versed in the new political correctness policy of using the word "retard" as an insult, as evident by her tweets on Twitter. He writes, "you aren't dumb, and you aren't shallow, so why are you continually using a word like the R-word as an insult"
You can read the rest of Johns letter here and another equally powerful article written by him here. I highly recommend them both. They are very inspiring and offer a great perspective. The interesting thing about his letter written to Ms. Coulter though was he didn't chastise Ms Coulter for using the word "retard" He called her to update her education for using it incorrectly. He did so with love, and an invitation for change which was most impressive of all. John is a great advocate for change. How we go about that change can be confusing at times and it's not as black and white as some would have you think. Something needs to change. I'm not sure elimination of an entire word is the correct way to change it.
My problem with this "spread the word to end the word" movement is that at it's root it is critically flawed. A good idea when only considering intentions, but unfortunately a poor one when when thought about with a degree of logic.
The "R-word," as it's termed now, didn't originally start as a negative or insulting word. In fact it didn't even need to describe people at all. Retardation was the act or result of delay. It could describe a number of things, growth of any kind. A harvest could be retarded by a frost, or plans could be retarded by unexpected obligations. When used in medical terms Mental Retardation (now termed Intellectual Disability) was characterized by below average intelligence or mental ability. As I stated it wasn't an insult, but rather a condition. Society negatizes (yes I know that's not a real word yet) these words.
The problem with the idea of "finding a different word" is that often the "different word" is equally as insulting to another group or more often than not the same group.
Take the words moron, imbecile, and idiot for example. Most people would agree, these are better, more sophisticated, choices than the term "retard" when describing someone who is acting foolishly, but in reality their original definitions would indicate they are just as offensive, if not more, to the same community we are trying to protect.
Idiot was originally defined as a person of profound mental retardation having a mental age below three years and generally being unable to learn connected speech or guard against common dangers. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use. Imbecile was a medical category of people with moderate to severe intellectual disability (also, no longer in use.), and Moron was a term once used in psychology to denote mild intellectual disability, since it's rise to popularity in slang it has been discarded in the psychology dialogue.
So you see what happens is there has to be a term for such people, not to insult them, but to describe them. That's not bad. It's what language does, describes our thoughts, and intentions; and conveys them to others providing valuable information. There are many categories and classifications of people. I am a woman. I am a mother. I am Caucasian. I have brown hair. I have anemia. These give you information about me, when given in the correct manner.
What happens next is the words get turned to slang to insult people. I credit this to society's inclination to rip others down, but for now I digress, I'll get to that later. The terms fall out of fashion because we want to be politically correct. No one wants to be perceived as an ignorant bigot, so it becomes a word no one dares to use, even in it's correct context. Because it's socially unacceptable in all shapes and forms a new term is made to describe such a condition and finally the process starts all over again with this new term.
It's a cycle. Eliminating words from our vocabulary wont break this cycle, it will only start it over again. The movement we should be joining is educating ourselves and helping to educate others. Education is almost always the best solution to any problem. We should use words we know the definition, and history of in their correct contexts. When we do this we will think twice about using words in ways that might insult people, because doing so would be an insult to our own education and intelligence. We wont want to call someone a "retard" who isn't actually one or as an insult, because frankly using that word in that way would make us look foolish for using it incorrectly.
I'll admit it's a daunting task. One that no one, myself included, is perfect at. There is so much about our language that we don't bother to learn, but just because it's difficult doesn't mean we shouldn't strive for it.
We use a living language which by definition means we can change it. It is constantly changing to accommodate our needs and desires. We give power to these words. We can take that negative power away. I find it perfectly acceptable to use words as pertaining to their actual definition. If you are talking about someone with actual mental deficiency and are trying to describe what they are clinically to another person by all means use the word, "retard." That's what it means!
The truth is, it's only a "bad word" if we let it become that. We shouldn't allow others to negatize the word. We should kindly correct them. When our children call a friend who bugs them "retarded," we should correct them by saying, "No, they aren't sweetheart. A retarded person is someone with an intellectual or developmental challenge. It's not an insult. You are upset with your friend, but it's not good to attempt to insult people even when you are really frustrated with them."
Parents and teachers have so much power to end the insulting and ignorant dialogue our culture seems to embrace. We can teach our children, and possibly eliminate the universal human mindset that knocking others down will somehow build us up. That human flaw is the worst of all, because it's absolutely wrong and untrue. Insulting others will never make us look better or smarter. Education will do that.
Retard is an insulting term today. Sure we can stop using it and perhaps spare a few feelings now, but that proves the negatizers right, and in the end they'll use that validation to negatize another word and hurt a lot more feelings later. Correction via education is always a better solution.
Attempting to further convince you, the author shares a letter from John Franklin Stephens, a Special Olympics athlete who has Downs Syndrome. The letter is touching and humbling. It hits close to home for me for reasons I don't care to detail on this blog. I want to start off by stating that my opinions aren't an attempt to belittle John's voice. He is, and it's certainly well deserved, a hero to me and many others.
He writes the letter to a Ms. Ann Coulter, who apparently isn't well versed in the new political correctness policy of using the word "retard" as an insult, as evident by her tweets on Twitter. He writes, "you aren't dumb, and you aren't shallow, so why are you continually using a word like the R-word as an insult"
You can read the rest of Johns letter here and another equally powerful article written by him here. I highly recommend them both. They are very inspiring and offer a great perspective. The interesting thing about his letter written to Ms. Coulter though was he didn't chastise Ms Coulter for using the word "retard" He called her to update her education for using it incorrectly. He did so with love, and an invitation for change which was most impressive of all. John is a great advocate for change. How we go about that change can be confusing at times and it's not as black and white as some would have you think. Something needs to change. I'm not sure elimination of an entire word is the correct way to change it.
My problem with this "spread the word to end the word" movement is that at it's root it is critically flawed. A good idea when only considering intentions, but unfortunately a poor one when when thought about with a degree of logic.
The "R-word," as it's termed now, didn't originally start as a negative or insulting word. In fact it didn't even need to describe people at all. Retardation was the act or result of delay. It could describe a number of things, growth of any kind. A harvest could be retarded by a frost, or plans could be retarded by unexpected obligations. When used in medical terms Mental Retardation (now termed Intellectual Disability) was characterized by below average intelligence or mental ability. As I stated it wasn't an insult, but rather a condition. Society negatizes (yes I know that's not a real word yet) these words.
The problem with the idea of "finding a different word" is that often the "different word" is equally as insulting to another group or more often than not the same group.
Take the words moron, imbecile, and idiot for example. Most people would agree, these are better, more sophisticated, choices than the term "retard" when describing someone who is acting foolishly, but in reality their original definitions would indicate they are just as offensive, if not more, to the same community we are trying to protect.
Idiot was originally defined as a person of profound mental retardation having a mental age below three years and generally being unable to learn connected speech or guard against common dangers. The term belongs to a classification system no longer in use. Imbecile was a medical category of people with moderate to severe intellectual disability (also, no longer in use.), and Moron was a term once used in psychology to denote mild intellectual disability, since it's rise to popularity in slang it has been discarded in the psychology dialogue.
So you see what happens is there has to be a term for such people, not to insult them, but to describe them. That's not bad. It's what language does, describes our thoughts, and intentions; and conveys them to others providing valuable information. There are many categories and classifications of people. I am a woman. I am a mother. I am Caucasian. I have brown hair. I have anemia. These give you information about me, when given in the correct manner.
What happens next is the words get turned to slang to insult people. I credit this to society's inclination to rip others down, but for now I digress, I'll get to that later. The terms fall out of fashion because we want to be politically correct. No one wants to be perceived as an ignorant bigot, so it becomes a word no one dares to use, even in it's correct context. Because it's socially unacceptable in all shapes and forms a new term is made to describe such a condition and finally the process starts all over again with this new term.
It's a cycle. Eliminating words from our vocabulary wont break this cycle, it will only start it over again. The movement we should be joining is educating ourselves and helping to educate others. Education is almost always the best solution to any problem. We should use words we know the definition, and history of in their correct contexts. When we do this we will think twice about using words in ways that might insult people, because doing so would be an insult to our own education and intelligence. We wont want to call someone a "retard" who isn't actually one or as an insult, because frankly using that word in that way would make us look foolish for using it incorrectly.
I'll admit it's a daunting task. One that no one, myself included, is perfect at. There is so much about our language that we don't bother to learn, but just because it's difficult doesn't mean we shouldn't strive for it.
We use a living language which by definition means we can change it. It is constantly changing to accommodate our needs and desires. We give power to these words. We can take that negative power away. I find it perfectly acceptable to use words as pertaining to their actual definition. If you are talking about someone with actual mental deficiency and are trying to describe what they are clinically to another person by all means use the word, "retard." That's what it means!
The truth is, it's only a "bad word" if we let it become that. We shouldn't allow others to negatize the word. We should kindly correct them. When our children call a friend who bugs them "retarded," we should correct them by saying, "No, they aren't sweetheart. A retarded person is someone with an intellectual or developmental challenge. It's not an insult. You are upset with your friend, but it's not good to attempt to insult people even when you are really frustrated with them."
Parents and teachers have so much power to end the insulting and ignorant dialogue our culture seems to embrace. We can teach our children, and possibly eliminate the universal human mindset that knocking others down will somehow build us up. That human flaw is the worst of all, because it's absolutely wrong and untrue. Insulting others will never make us look better or smarter. Education will do that.
Retard is an insulting term today. Sure we can stop using it and perhaps spare a few feelings now, but that proves the negatizers right, and in the end they'll use that validation to negatize another word and hurt a lot more feelings later. Correction via education is always a better solution.
1/04/2014
White Pickett Fences Are Pretty Great Too
Okay folks, internet buzz going around these days say that it's no longer "cool" to get married young. In fact it may not even be "cool" to get married at all. One trending blog (read it if you want this post to make sense) even goes as far to label people in the "under 23" category as the cause of her social awkwardness. "It literally isn't [her]" as she puts it, "It's [us]"
Perhaps you can tell by the fact I placed myself in her category, I am one of those women who got married before I was 23. (GASP!!! I MUST BE SUCH A SQUARE!!) I was 21, young, and yes even naive. Just a girl who found her best friend, the one who'd be there for her and grow with her. My wedding was beautiful, but my marriage is more beautiful. It's not perfect, but is a work of art in progress. One that has two artists which is way cooler than one in my opinion.
In the view of this girl (I say girl, because she comes across this way) and many like her. I sold out. I got married because I was scared, and inexperienced, and just wanted someone to keep me warm at night (Which is pretty nice I will admit) "It's insane that [she has] already experienced more in the world than [her] married peers will ever experience in their whole life."
Sorry honey but experience isn't a check mark on a goal list. I may not have seen Rome, or Paris YET, but that doesn't mean I lack experience or that some 22 year old has more experience than I have just because she has. So yeah I don't know what it's like to make out with a stranger or date 2 people at once and have it blow up in my face... Don't worry "experience" will teach her those aren't good ideas. I'm pretty glad I didn't need "experience" to teach me that. The world is full of so much! It's impossible for any of us to experience it all, but collectively we do, because I experience things you don't and you experience things I don't. She may experience a lot of the world as she sees it, but I do too. I experience the world when I learn the anatomy, biology, pharmacology, patience, psychology, and other -ologies that comes with being a Mother. I experienced the world when I grew 3 other human beings inside me and witnessed the miracle that their births were. I experienced the world as I outlined my Husbands text books to help him with his homework. I experienced the world as he and I made huge sacrifices together to get through school, and start our family. I'll experience more of the world when I help my kids with their homework and learn to paper machete everything and put little mint leaves in ice for their school parties; when I send my daughter off to prom and cry when they grow up and leave me. My world is relevant too.
I'll give her some credit. I do think some kids rush into marriage. Before getting married one should examine some things. You should know somewhat what your finances will be. You should learn some conflict resolution methods. You should discuss with your spouse to be the "important stuff." For example: How many kids you want. What each other's career goals are. How involved you want your extended families to be. etc. One thing a person should not consider when getting married is the current divorce rate. Seriously why should some statistic affect the way you feel about someone? If you don't want to be a part of that statistic DON'T
Don't get me wrong. Divorce happens. I'm not saying it's always bad or avoidable. I do think that divorce happens so much more now because we live in the "Walmart Society" If you don't like something take it back and get a new one. Entitlement and instant gratification are the name of the game and they plagues our society, but especially my generation. But I digress. That is a topic for another post.
I don't have a problem with having a premarital "bucket list" and lets face it. A "bucket list" is all HER list was, because at 18, 23, or 40 I would never be interested in half the things she stated on her list of 23 things to go instead of getting married before 23. What I do have a problem with is the statement that everyone who doesn't think like she does is the problem with the world. That WE are the backwards ones. I get it. People are different. I don't want to suggest that living the bachelor/bachelorette lifestyle is horrible. It wasn't for me, but if that's what makes you happy go for it! I don't attempt to claim my life is more worthy than hers and she should afford me the same courtesy.
I'll be honest. Her post got me all fired up. I got 2 paragraphs in and I had already mentally written a mountain long blog post where I'd call her names and ridicule her lifestyle, but then I thought, that's probably not very Christian of me, so I calmed down and wrote this instead. If you want my opinion on her life, and since she made outrageous assumptions about my motives, fears, and lifestyle I feel entitled to do the same, I think she is unhappy. I think she fills her life with "Me. Me. Me." and that sort of selfishness doesn't give anyone satisfaction. I'm not saying all single people are selfish. There are plenty of married people who are as well as single people who aren't. One isn't a prerequisite of the other, but rather a flaw of all humanity, but again I digress. I think she feels something lacking in her life. I think she doesn't know who she is or who she wants to be, and exploring that is scary, and it's so much easier to put other people down and be critical of their lifestyles. My-life-is-screwed-up-and-I-am-not-happy-so-I-should-feel-less-screwed-up-by-blaming-others-and-painting-their-lives-as-more-screwed-up-than-mine. I think that sums it up quite nicely.
So no I wont call her names. I wont say she is evil. I don't think she is. I think she is a bit jealous, and certainly naive but aren't we all at times?
Instead I'm going to offers some encouragement and advice to both groups of people: Us "under 23ers" and those who choose to wait. This applies to both. It's okay... You're okay. Grow. Learn. and know that God loves you.
Here are a couple lists of my own:
23 Things to Do If You're Young and Not Married:
(I guarantee these will make you happier than hers)
1. Serve your neighbor without expectation.
2. Laugh with friends.
3. Go see a movie about love! Get excited for when it's your turn.
4. Go on a trip with your sisters. Don't have sisters? Go with your best friend.
5. Become the person you want to marry.
6. Babysit for someone who needs a break... (obvious plug in...I apologize)
7. Date! (one person at a time)
8. Pay for a strangers dinner. Don't tell them it was you.
9. Find your "many things." (You can have more than one, and here's another hint: getting married doesn't end this pursuit)
10. Enjoy not being tied down by a pet.
11. Dance in your underwear. (when no one is watching of course)
12. Listen to Taylor Swift (or if you despise her make fun of her)
13. Bake a cake. Bake two. Give one to a friend.
14. Develop a relationship with God.
15. Learn a language. (It will come in handy when you want to impress your mate later)
16. Disappoint everyone! You don't do anything for them you do it for you. Just don't disappoint yourself or God.
17. Stay up all night watching as much of the TV show LOST as time will allow.
18. Get your heart broken. (It will suck, but when it's healed you'll appreciate it so much more)
19. Be selfless.
20. Name your future children.
21. Write a journal
22. Save yourself... (You know what I mean. Your husband/wife will appreciate that someday)
23. Let a married person tell you how cool their life is. Tell them how cool yours is. Don't put each other down in the process.
23 Things to Do While Your Young and Married.
1. Serve your neighbor without expectation.
2. Laugh with your spouse.
3. Go see a movie about love with your spouse! Get sentimental remembering when you fell in love too.
4. Go on a trip with your Husband/Wife. Don't tell anyone you're going.
5. Become the person you want your spouse to be.
6. Get a babysitter. Enjoy a night out.
7. Date! (Don't ever stop this one)
8. Make your spouse dinner from scratch. Don't tell them how hard it was.
9. Find your "many things." (A big one of mine was Parenthood. I highly recommend it!)
10. Get a pet. Name him/her together.
11. Dance in your underwear. (when your spouse is watching)
12. Listen to your spouses favorite band/singer. Try to like them.
13. Bake a cake together. (Get frosting everywhere.)
14. Develop a relationship with God together.
15. Learn "I love you" in as many languages as you can. "Je t'aime" (French: there now you know at least 2)
16. Disappoint everyone! You don't do anything for them you do it for you. Just don't disappoint yourself or God. (If you do this you should rarely disappoint your spouse.)
17. Stay up all night watching as much of the TV show LOST as time will allow. Stay up the next night too theorizing what will happen next together)
18. Let your spouse see your vulnerable. Let them make the hurt better.
19. Be selfless.
20. Re-Name your future children. (Chances are your spouse didn't like some or all of the names your picked on your own.)
21. Write a journal
22. Put your spouse first.
23. Let a single person tell you how cool their life is. Tell them how cool yours is. Don't put each other down in the process.
Perhaps you can tell by the fact I placed myself in her category, I am one of those women who got married before I was 23. (GASP!!! I MUST BE SUCH A SQUARE!!) I was 21, young, and yes even naive. Just a girl who found her best friend, the one who'd be there for her and grow with her. My wedding was beautiful, but my marriage is more beautiful. It's not perfect, but is a work of art in progress. One that has two artists which is way cooler than one in my opinion.
In the view of this girl (I say girl, because she comes across this way) and many like her. I sold out. I got married because I was scared, and inexperienced, and just wanted someone to keep me warm at night (Which is pretty nice I will admit) "It's insane that [she has] already experienced more in the world than [her] married peers will ever experience in their whole life."
Sorry honey but experience isn't a check mark on a goal list. I may not have seen Rome, or Paris YET, but that doesn't mean I lack experience or that some 22 year old has more experience than I have just because she has. So yeah I don't know what it's like to make out with a stranger or date 2 people at once and have it blow up in my face... Don't worry "experience" will teach her those aren't good ideas. I'm pretty glad I didn't need "experience" to teach me that. The world is full of so much! It's impossible for any of us to experience it all, but collectively we do, because I experience things you don't and you experience things I don't. She may experience a lot of the world as she sees it, but I do too. I experience the world when I learn the anatomy, biology, pharmacology, patience, psychology, and other -ologies that comes with being a Mother. I experienced the world when I grew 3 other human beings inside me and witnessed the miracle that their births were. I experienced the world as I outlined my Husbands text books to help him with his homework. I experienced the world as he and I made huge sacrifices together to get through school, and start our family. I'll experience more of the world when I help my kids with their homework and learn to paper machete everything and put little mint leaves in ice for their school parties; when I send my daughter off to prom and cry when they grow up and leave me. My world is relevant too.
I'll give her some credit. I do think some kids rush into marriage. Before getting married one should examine some things. You should know somewhat what your finances will be. You should learn some conflict resolution methods. You should discuss with your spouse to be the "important stuff." For example: How many kids you want. What each other's career goals are. How involved you want your extended families to be. etc. One thing a person should not consider when getting married is the current divorce rate. Seriously why should some statistic affect the way you feel about someone? If you don't want to be a part of that statistic DON'T
Don't get me wrong. Divorce happens. I'm not saying it's always bad or avoidable. I do think that divorce happens so much more now because we live in the "Walmart Society" If you don't like something take it back and get a new one. Entitlement and instant gratification are the name of the game and they plagues our society, but especially my generation. But I digress. That is a topic for another post.
I don't have a problem with having a premarital "bucket list" and lets face it. A "bucket list" is all HER list was, because at 18, 23, or 40 I would never be interested in half the things she stated on her list of 23 things to go instead of getting married before 23. What I do have a problem with is the statement that everyone who doesn't think like she does is the problem with the world. That WE are the backwards ones. I get it. People are different. I don't want to suggest that living the bachelor/bachelorette lifestyle is horrible. It wasn't for me, but if that's what makes you happy go for it! I don't attempt to claim my life is more worthy than hers and she should afford me the same courtesy.
I'll be honest. Her post got me all fired up. I got 2 paragraphs in and I had already mentally written a mountain long blog post where I'd call her names and ridicule her lifestyle, but then I thought, that's probably not very Christian of me, so I calmed down and wrote this instead. If you want my opinion on her life, and since she made outrageous assumptions about my motives, fears, and lifestyle I feel entitled to do the same, I think she is unhappy. I think she fills her life with "Me. Me. Me." and that sort of selfishness doesn't give anyone satisfaction. I'm not saying all single people are selfish. There are plenty of married people who are as well as single people who aren't. One isn't a prerequisite of the other, but rather a flaw of all humanity, but again I digress. I think she feels something lacking in her life. I think she doesn't know who she is or who she wants to be, and exploring that is scary, and it's so much easier to put other people down and be critical of their lifestyles. My-life-is-screwed-up-and-I-am-not-happy-so-I-should-feel-less-screwed-up-by-blaming-others-and-painting-their-lives-as-more-screwed-up-than-mine. I think that sums it up quite nicely.
So no I wont call her names. I wont say she is evil. I don't think she is. I think she is a bit jealous, and certainly naive but aren't we all at times?
Instead I'm going to offers some encouragement and advice to both groups of people: Us "under 23ers" and those who choose to wait. This applies to both. It's okay... You're okay. Grow. Learn. and know that God loves you.
Here are a couple lists of my own:
23 Things to Do If You're Young and Not Married:
(I guarantee these will make you happier than hers)
1. Serve your neighbor without expectation.
2. Laugh with friends.
3. Go see a movie about love! Get excited for when it's your turn.
4. Go on a trip with your sisters. Don't have sisters? Go with your best friend.
5. Become the person you want to marry.
6. Babysit for someone who needs a break... (obvious plug in...I apologize)
7. Date! (one person at a time)
8. Pay for a strangers dinner. Don't tell them it was you.
9. Find your "many things." (You can have more than one, and here's another hint: getting married doesn't end this pursuit)
10. Enjoy not being tied down by a pet.
11. Dance in your underwear. (when no one is watching of course)
12. Listen to Taylor Swift (or if you despise her make fun of her)
13. Bake a cake. Bake two. Give one to a friend.
14. Develop a relationship with God.
15. Learn a language. (It will come in handy when you want to impress your mate later)
16. Disappoint everyone! You don't do anything for them you do it for you. Just don't disappoint yourself or God.
17. Stay up all night watching as much of the TV show LOST as time will allow.
18. Get your heart broken. (It will suck, but when it's healed you'll appreciate it so much more)
19. Be selfless.
20. Name your future children.
21. Write a journal
22. Save yourself... (You know what I mean. Your husband/wife will appreciate that someday)
23. Let a married person tell you how cool their life is. Tell them how cool yours is. Don't put each other down in the process.
23 Things to Do While Your Young and Married.
1. Serve your neighbor without expectation.
2. Laugh with your spouse.
3. Go see a movie about love with your spouse! Get sentimental remembering when you fell in love too.
4. Go on a trip with your Husband/Wife. Don't tell anyone you're going.
5. Become the person you want your spouse to be.
6. Get a babysitter. Enjoy a night out.
7. Date! (Don't ever stop this one)
8. Make your spouse dinner from scratch. Don't tell them how hard it was.
9. Find your "many things." (A big one of mine was Parenthood. I highly recommend it!)
10. Get a pet. Name him/her together.
11. Dance in your underwear. (when your spouse is watching)
12. Listen to your spouses favorite band/singer. Try to like them.
13. Bake a cake together. (Get frosting everywhere.)
14. Develop a relationship with God together.
15. Learn "I love you" in as many languages as you can. "Je t'aime" (French: there now you know at least 2)
16. Disappoint everyone! You don't do anything for them you do it for you. Just don't disappoint yourself or God. (If you do this you should rarely disappoint your spouse.)
17. Stay up all night watching as much of the TV show LOST as time will allow. Stay up the next night too theorizing what will happen next together)
18. Let your spouse see your vulnerable. Let them make the hurt better.
19. Be selfless.
20. Re-Name your future children. (Chances are your spouse didn't like some or all of the names your picked on your own.)
21. Write a journal
22. Put your spouse first.
23. Let a single person tell you how cool their life is. Tell them how cool yours is. Don't put each other down in the process.
12/17/2012
RIP Beautiful Souls
Last Friday our world lost a group of amazing people. I don't have to detail what happened, I'm sure everyone knows by now that, on that morning, a gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, heavily armed, and opened fire killing 20 beautiful and innocent children, and 6 courageous and heroic staff members.
I'm not sure how my ability to feel empathy measures up to everyone else in the world, but I do know that the this tragedy in Connecticut has affected me unlike anything like it ever has. Horrible stuff happens sometimes. It has my whole life, and though it's hard to imagine in this time of tragedy, our country will certainly endure more things like this horrible event in the future. In the history of this world horrific acts of violence have dotted the timeline since the beginning. So why is this any different then other things like it? Why do I spend time crying about it as if it happened to someone in my family?
As I've pondered why this is affecting me so, I wonder if it might be because, unlike any other times, this tragic event hits me as a mother. When the Columbine tragedy happened I was a student. I was horrified and it made me sad for the victims and their families. I could somewhat relate to the kids, but only in a distant way. I could imagine being scared if that happened at my school, but it was hard to understand the emotions beyond that. When the shootings at Virginia Tech took place I was still a child in many ways. I was an adult in age, but had none of the wisdom experience has brought me now. This hits down to a core that didn't exist back then, the core of a mother. The fact that I have children whom I can't fathom loosing in such a heinous way makes my heart ache for those parents who lost beautiful children. Images of what they must be going through flash across my mind now and then bringing tears to my eyes.
I look in my closet and see the Christmas gifts bought, wrapped and tucked away for my children to bring out on Christmas Eve. I imagine a similar closet stuffed with gifts for a child that never will get to open them. I imagine a stockings hung with care for a child that wont see it on Christmas morning stuffed with goodies, and how empty those parents must feel as they look upon those things. As I prepare meals for my family I imagine the anguish of the families who are setting one less plate now at meal time. As I am doing my laundry this morning I consider what it would be like to look at the little clothes those children will never wear again. I think about my children when it thunders. How scared they get. The fierceness with which they call for my embrace, and comfort. I can't get out of my head how scared those children must have been in their final moments, and how much their parents must be especially thinking about those moments, and wondering what their child felt in them. The overwhelming fear that they might have been suffering, calmed only by the small comfort that it couldn't have been for long if they did My children aren't much younger than the victims. I can't imagine not hearing their laughs, or their voices each day. I can't imagine them calling out to me and me not coming to their side. I can't imagine the pain of enduring life without them. A parent shouldn't have to outlive their child. It doesn't seem natural. I can't imagine their pain. Attempting to makes me want to cry.
I wish there were something I could do to make it right for these families. Even if I had every resource imaginable at my disposal I know there would be little, if anything, I could do to help, but I can offer my love, even if they don't know me, and never read this post. I can offer my prayer for the kind of comfort only Heavenly Father can give. I can offer a kind gesture in the name of honoring those lost. I've heard it requested that we offer moments of silence. I think that is a wonderful gesture, but I know if it were me that lost a loved one the silence would be stabbing and almost painful. I think about the contagious laughter of children, and their natural ability to love unconditionally and their innate desire to serve others. How better to honor those children then to draw from their example and unconditionally love and serve our neighbors.
I pray for us as a nation, that we might always remember these precious souls and as the political debates about gun control, mental illness, and violence in schools, surely ensue that we might remember how we all united upon hearing this sad news. That when someone talked about how horrible it was we didn't think about what their political stance might be; we just agreed. That we might remember the love we felt for perfect strangers that day without regard to their political or religious beliefs. That we might remember our president spoke as a father, not a politician, that his tears were genuine, even if we don't agree with all of his politics. Might we make an effort to respect the privacy and sacred healing of those families and not intrude. God bless these families, and God bless this wonderful nation.
I'm not sure how my ability to feel empathy measures up to everyone else in the world, but I do know that the this tragedy in Connecticut has affected me unlike anything like it ever has. Horrible stuff happens sometimes. It has my whole life, and though it's hard to imagine in this time of tragedy, our country will certainly endure more things like this horrible event in the future. In the history of this world horrific acts of violence have dotted the timeline since the beginning. So why is this any different then other things like it? Why do I spend time crying about it as if it happened to someone in my family?
As I've pondered why this is affecting me so, I wonder if it might be because, unlike any other times, this tragic event hits me as a mother. When the Columbine tragedy happened I was a student. I was horrified and it made me sad for the victims and their families. I could somewhat relate to the kids, but only in a distant way. I could imagine being scared if that happened at my school, but it was hard to understand the emotions beyond that. When the shootings at Virginia Tech took place I was still a child in many ways. I was an adult in age, but had none of the wisdom experience has brought me now. This hits down to a core that didn't exist back then, the core of a mother. The fact that I have children whom I can't fathom loosing in such a heinous way makes my heart ache for those parents who lost beautiful children. Images of what they must be going through flash across my mind now and then bringing tears to my eyes.
I look in my closet and see the Christmas gifts bought, wrapped and tucked away for my children to bring out on Christmas Eve. I imagine a similar closet stuffed with gifts for a child that never will get to open them. I imagine a stockings hung with care for a child that wont see it on Christmas morning stuffed with goodies, and how empty those parents must feel as they look upon those things. As I prepare meals for my family I imagine the anguish of the families who are setting one less plate now at meal time. As I am doing my laundry this morning I consider what it would be like to look at the little clothes those children will never wear again. I think about my children when it thunders. How scared they get. The fierceness with which they call for my embrace, and comfort. I can't get out of my head how scared those children must have been in their final moments, and how much their parents must be especially thinking about those moments, and wondering what their child felt in them. The overwhelming fear that they might have been suffering, calmed only by the small comfort that it couldn't have been for long if they did My children aren't much younger than the victims. I can't imagine not hearing their laughs, or their voices each day. I can't imagine them calling out to me and me not coming to their side. I can't imagine the pain of enduring life without them. A parent shouldn't have to outlive their child. It doesn't seem natural. I can't imagine their pain. Attempting to makes me want to cry.
I wish there were something I could do to make it right for these families. Even if I had every resource imaginable at my disposal I know there would be little, if anything, I could do to help, but I can offer my love, even if they don't know me, and never read this post. I can offer my prayer for the kind of comfort only Heavenly Father can give. I can offer a kind gesture in the name of honoring those lost. I've heard it requested that we offer moments of silence. I think that is a wonderful gesture, but I know if it were me that lost a loved one the silence would be stabbing and almost painful. I think about the contagious laughter of children, and their natural ability to love unconditionally and their innate desire to serve others. How better to honor those children then to draw from their example and unconditionally love and serve our neighbors.
I pray for us as a nation, that we might always remember these precious souls and as the political debates about gun control, mental illness, and violence in schools, surely ensue that we might remember how we all united upon hearing this sad news. That when someone talked about how horrible it was we didn't think about what their political stance might be; we just agreed. That we might remember the love we felt for perfect strangers that day without regard to their political or religious beliefs. That we might remember our president spoke as a father, not a politician, that his tears were genuine, even if we don't agree with all of his politics. Might we make an effort to respect the privacy and sacred healing of those families and not intrude. God bless these families, and God bless this wonderful nation.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)