Just to give my readers fair warning this post get's a little personal and emotional, so please be considerate as you comment. If you disagree, that's okay, but please be respectful.
Where to start? Okay here goes... It's almost that time of year where we get to have a little harmless fun at each others expense. That's right. We get to play a few innocent practical jokes on each other for April Fools Day. I'm not too sensitive. It can be lots of fun. I'm sure Tuesday we'll wake up and be sure to find websites with their clever memes, friends' hilarious stories of how they fooled their family members, friends, and co-workers, and along with all that, unfortunately, I'm sure we'll find a few fake pregnancy announcements.
"It's all fun and games," we say, "It's just a joke." The thing is it isn't a joke, not to everyone. It doesn't come across that way, and I'm going to chime in on the reasons why.
Before I go on I need to make it clear. I'm not one for comparison of personal trials and pain. Everyone has troubles, and far too often we try to justify our pain as, "so much worse" than another person's pain. This bothers me, because if there is one thing about pain that's true; it's that it's universal. Not a man, woman or child does not experience pain, trials, and suffering in some way, shape, or form. My pain and yours might be vastly different, but it's still pain, and it's still overwhelming for both of us. We should learn to use this to unite mankind. We all have something in common, maybe this will help us understand each other. So this post isn't meant to put the type of pain I'm about to describe above all other pain. It is hard to endure, and there are those who may not have any understanding of why. For this reason I want to dive into this issue, not to say, "I've got it so much worse than the rest of you." I hope that's clear.
If you haven't figured out the topic of my post yet I'll tell you now. It's cruel to joke about feigned pregnancies when there are so many out there that struggle with this pain. It's one thing to have no understanding of the complexity of the issue. Truth be told it shouldn't be expected of you to understand perfectly, but it can, and should, be expected that we don't poke fun at other peoples' suffering. It's inconsiderate, ignorant, insensitive, and to be frank, it's down right mean.
I understand most of the time this isn't done maliciously. The intentions behind these April Fools jokes aren't to actually hurt another person, but the fact of the matter is that it does, and the purpose of this post it to educate you as to why.
Now I'm going to get a little personal. I have 3 beautiful children. They are a blessing in so many ways and I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be a mother, and especially to have had the chance to carry my 3 wonderful little blessings in my own womb. I'll never lose my gratitude for that, but getting them here wasn't easy. My body didn't seem well equipped for pregnancy and at times it was very scary. Along with my 3 pregnancies that resulted in amazing children, I had several miscarriages, and a wide array of life-threatening complications. When I was pregnant with my last child my doctor told me I couldn't have any more children. I'm coming to terms with this, but if I'm perfectly honest about it, I'm still devastated. I wanted a large family of 5 or 6 children. I'm grateful for the 3 I have, but a void has been left for the 3 I dreamed about, and planned for. 3 names I've already picked out. 3 births I'll never experience. 3 first days of Kindergarten I'll never get to see. 3 first steps, 3 first dates, 3 graduation days I'll never see. A Mother's hopes and dreams for 3 children never fulfilled. So I mourn. Not an actual death, which anyone could understand is hard, but the death of a dream, which isn't as tangible to outsiders. The death of a plan and way of life I saw myself living. I mourn the rejection of accomplishing a righteous goal. I mourn the children that would be mine if I had a better more capable body; my body, not my husbands, Mine. My dreams are shattered and it's my stupid, good-for-nothing, body's fault. Sometimes it feels like someone died.
One thing that's become difficult is other people announcing their pregnancies, especially if they already have several children. Whereas once I could hear this happy moment and simply say, "congratulations," the moment I hear the wonderful news a war starts within me now. One side feels happy for the mother-to-be, and wants to express that joy I feel for her. The other side is jolted back to the painful empty void that rests within me, and I am silenced, all breath removed from my chest, as I stand frozen, suffocating, in the void. The void that tells me, "You'll never experience that joy for yourself again" "Look they must be so much better than you, they can do this, you can't" During the course of this war I feel jealousy the likes of which are hard to imagine, then my more charitable side strikes, and I realize I need to be happy for her, then I feel overwhelming guilt for making her happy moment about me, then that negativity leads to more jealousy and self loathing, "Maybe that's why I can't have more children, I'm not a good enough person" Finally after a raging battle I arrive at a good place, a happy place, a place where I can compartmentalize my pain away, and just feel joy for my loved one. The battle leaves me emotionally exhausted.
So when I go through that battle, and then find out that the announcement was a hoax, a joke, meant to make people laugh. I feel even worse. All that turmoil, all that warring with myself, all that guilt, all that loneliness, all that joy was all in vain. The joy at the end of the dark tunnel is suddenly ripped from me, and all that's left is the sting from the less pleasant things I endured during the battle. Those remain. The hoax can't remove them. I'm left wounded. For what? So a few people could get a few laughs? Is anyone really laughing at this? I can't imagine it's funny to anyone.
There are so many women who can relate. Woman who unlike me aren't blessed with any opportunity to have children. Woman who never get the opportunity to even get married. Woman who have had miscarriage after miscarriage, or even women who have only had one. Women whose only option is adoption, which is a wonderful thing that may enable them to be mothers, but will never cure their infertility. It will never fill the void of never getting to experience carrying life inside herself. I dare say we are all united on this subject. It hurts.
So April 1st when you log on to Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, or whatever social media platform suits your fancy, or even when you're sitting joking with your friends an family in person, please think twice before you throw out a fake pregnancy announcement. No one is laughing.
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