Entitled to Nothing

I've been thinking a lot about my children lately. As they start to grow up I see their unique personalities emerge and it's awe inspiring. Along with their wonderful personalities, and gifts, comes a few less pleasant things, flaws; and some pretty frustrating ones too. I don't want to complain and dump on my kids. I love them. That's not the point of this post. The point it to address the most prevalent problem I see in them, and a lot of other children today. That problem is an inflated sense of entitlement.

A while back I went about my business one day frazzled, and frustrated, trying to get by when I realized something. My kids think they can have anything they want, when they want it, and I have to give it to them. Why? I didn't grow up thinking that or at least I don't think I did. Why do so many kids seems to think that the deserve everything they want? So I've spent some time thinking about it, observing it, and experimenting with things that help nip that ugly trait in the bud. I'm starting to see some improvement, and it's nice. Since as I noticed this seems to be a growing problem a lot of kids I thought I'd share my methods so others can implement them as they wish. Here goes!

1. Consistency is the key- Along with that is a firm alliance with your spouse. It won't be very effective if you are each attempting the same goal with conflicting courses of action. So sit down with your spouse and decide some ground rules. Decide the things you're going to implement together and remain fiercely loyal to that route and to each other. Kids can spot the tiniest crack in your resolve, and they will exploit that like a virus. Yes I just compared children to viruses, not my best analogy...

2. No idle threats- One mistake I often find myself making is follow through. The thing is it's hard to follow through with outrageous threats or rewards. Your children aren't likely to believe you if you threaten to kick them out of the house at age 10, and lets be honest water will freeze in Hell before you'd actually do something like that. Likewise telling them if they behave for an hour you'll take them to Disneyland isn't likely to reap good behavior. "Yeah right!" They will think, "I'm not getting that either way so why be good?" Kids are more logical than any adult ever gives them credit for. It's like we forgot what it was like.

3. In order to teach empathy you have to show empathy- One very important aspect of teaching your kids to respect what they are given, and not always expect more, is to teach them empathy. If they can understand what it's like to not be them, but someone else with less, they will learn to appreciate what they have. The best way to teach empathy is to demonstrate it. For example, my son is always making odd contraptions out of what ever he can get his hands on. Mommy confession: Most of the time the things he makes are useless clutter makers, but they are important to him. When I just throw them out deeming them to be junk, and show no sympathy, or understanding for his feelings, I don't exemplify what it is to feel anothers' pain. When I demonstrate the opposite of empathy for him I teach him that the opposite is acceptable. When he learns that, it's hard to see what he has in comparison to others unless he is seeing what they have and he doesn't. Envy is the opposite of empathy.

4. You lose what you aren't grateful for- One thing I've tried to implement lately was that attitude that if you don't take care of what falls into your lap, and you don't act grateful for it, you lose it. There is a saying that goes, What if you only had today what you thanked God for yesterday? Now I don't make my kids recite each and everything they have, and give thanks for them over an over, but the point is kids will always expect more if you let them believe what they have isn't enough. So when they say a toy is boring, or not as good as another toy they want instead, teach them about gratitude by taking it away and see how they like to have neither what they want, nor what they have. When your kids don't take care of things, they show a careless disregard for things they should be feeling gratitude for. Remove the thing, or privilege and show them they are entitled to nothing.

5. So you showed up? who cares- So often these days prizes are given for merely showing up. You get last place and it's something to be praised. Celebrating mediocrity only breeds more mediocrity, and eventually the level of mediocrity, and extraordinary, will lower to nothing at all, no difference. It's okay to encourage honest effort with happy words of encouragement, but giving unearned rewards teaches kids that their existence is enough to get them far in life. It wont. The truth is adulthood isn't like that. You're boss wont still give you a raise if you don't perform as well as the rest of the team just because you came to work everyday. Employers don't create as many jobs as applicants willing to show up for the interview. We do our children a disservice when we don't teach them rewards must actually be earned, and let them learn a lesson or two about disappointment. Disappointment is such an essential part of life. It humbles us. It motivates us for next time. It teaches us how to praise someone else who earned the prize. When we trade those valuable lessons for a Thanks-for-showing-up pity prize it's kind of like trading the meat of your dinner for an extra dessert. Sure it tastes good in the moment, but after the sugar rush dies you'll be left tired, hungry and fat.

6. You aren't the center of my world- I know this may seem harsh, but my kids aren't the center of my universe. To say my kids are my entire life is both cliche and untrue. They are important to me. They are how I occupy my life. I make sacrifices for them. If necessary I would die to save them. All of that is true, but my existence isn't to serve their every whim. Long before I was Mom I was wife, and long before that I was Meghan. I still am. I have interests, and needs, and goals just like they do. I think it is important that I try to show them that sometimes I come first, sometimes my husband comes first, and always my marriage comes before their temporary happiness. The truth is ultimately the goals of giving your children a truly happy life, and having a strong marriage don't conflict. One can serve the other and do a phenomenal job of doing both. If I focus on making my marriage strong, not allowing any force (Even my children) stand in it's way, I am both modeling a good example of a healthy relationship, and laying the framework to give them a happy life. The thing is it doesn't work both ways. If I put my kid above my marriage, ultimately I wont be doing either any favors. What that teaches them is that someone else is responsible for their happiness. It's their own duty to find their own happiness. They aren't entitled to mine.

7. Be a good example- We hear a lot of chatter about the rising generation, some of it praiseworthy, some of it critical. Some say things like "Kids today don't know anything about respect," "What's wrong with kids today?" or "That's the problem with the next generation" The fact of the matter is the "next generation" isn't just creating themselves. They aren't just being left to their own devices and becoming something entirely different than our generation. Where do you think kids learn these behaviors? Sure it's easy to see the entitlement in them, but looking inward, it cuts a little deeper to recognize it in ourselves. Truth be told our whole society has problems with entitlement. Our generation influences theirs. Perhaps if we can be honest with our own entitlement issues we can identify good ways to eliminate it in us and them?

8. Happy comes from serving not being served- Back to the happiness and empathy topics. There is a good way to become happy. It isn't getting the latest iPhone or video-game gadget. Its forgetting yourself and serving others. The joy I witness my children experience when we decide to surprise Daddy with a special dinner, or chore of his done, is incomparable to any joy they get from opening presents. Children want to help, they want to serve. We need to give them opportunities to develop that talent or we'll choke it out.

9. Use it up, wear it out, make it do, or do without- Much to my childrens' dismay I don't often replace broken toys or things. We first try to fix them. If unsuccessful we then try to make it work without the broken component. If that wont work we find another purpose for the item. Ideally worn jeans could become quilts, or used up diaper wipe containers become storage for toys and other things. I'm sure you get the idea. "Lets throw it away and get a new one" has become curse words in my home. Teaching kids the value of things will help them see entitlement is silly. Use every drop of shampoo, save leftovers for other meals, or make something new with the leftovers as ingredients. My kids should know that even if we're having the same dinner 3 nights in a row if they don't like it or want something else they'll be going to bed hungry.

10. Broken is sometimes broken- Keeping #9 in mind sometimes broken is broken and gone is gone. There is no fixing it. As a child I loved the story Something From Nothing by Phoebe Gilman. It's the story of a little boy named Joseph who is given a wonderful blanket by his grandfather when he is born. Over the years it gets used, worn, and re-purposed by his grandfather into new thing after new thing: vest, tie, handkerchief; until it becomes a button which ends up getting lost. Frantic he pleads for his grandfather to fix it, but his grandfather cannot and the lesson that you can't make something from nothing is taught. No thing lasts forever, the sooner our children learn this the easier this mortal life will be. When we teach our kids to move on from things and cling to the memory, not the object, we give our kids healthy building blocks to understand and be grateful for what's truly valuable.

11. Your kids need real chores not made up ones- We've all done it. You hand your kid a wash cloth and tell them to wash the already clean floor so they feel like they are "helping." That's okay sometimes, but as our children grow it's important to give them actual chores that are age appropriate. Here is a little hint, most kids are far more capable than you think. Expect more out of them.This will teach them to work hard to earn their keep. I do let my kids earn money, but a very little, and the only purpose is to teach some basic money management skills.

12. Money Management-  How are kids to know the value of a dollar if they never use them? How are they to know they don't grow on trees or come very easily if we don't let them see what it is to save, and budget with a little money? "Allowances" as they are often called (I personally hate that name and refer to it as money earned) can be so positive, but you have to do them right. How much is up to you, I tent to err on the side of less is more. My kids earn $1 a week. From that dollar I teach them to save, pay tithing, and purchase things for themselves. Keep in mind I said they EARN $1 They have to earn it which goes hand in hand with #11

13. Entitlement and Respect- You can only expect respect if you give it. Often my kids will yell at me for doing something they felt was unfair. I try not to put up with that. When it gets out of hand sometimes I yell to shock them into submission, and every time I am met with cries of "Don't yell at me," ironic since they yelled first, but I am the adult here, so I wont get into that. It's important to show kids that you are only entitled to respect if you give it to others. It's only when I calm down after yelling like that they listen to me, and change their behavior, likewise they didn't get anywhere initially with me by yelling at me about the unfairness of the situation. They disrespected me and the result was me disrespecting them. I'm not saying my actions in those situations are good. I don't want to teach them an eye-for-an-eye philosophy, but it does cast a glimpse on human nature. You're more likely to respect others if they respect you too. If children learn to respect others they'll soon see they get respect out of it. As a side note I feel it's very important to teach my kids that if you deserve respect you have to expect it or you wont get it. It's okay to demand the respect of others.

14. Don't be afraid to tell outsiders to back off- Society isn't always built to accommodate these ideas. Sometime there are, and are going to be people who try, and will continue to try, to undermine what you are trying to do. Keep in mind the goal of all this is your kids. If necessary boldly tell outsiders to mind their P's and Q's. Whether it be a teacher who is overstepping his/her boundaries, a pushy friend or relative, or just some stranger at the grocery store, stand tall, and don't be afraid to respectfully tell them to butt out. When someone tries to give your children things you've said no to, don't worry about being the bad guy to your kid, or the person trying to undermine your authority. Demand respect for your role as parent.

15. I'm not perfect and neither are you- I know this list feels like I think I'm the best mother ever. I can assure you I'm not, and my kids as wonderful as they are still fall into some of these pitfalls quite often. I'm simply trying to share the things that seem to help and which I think will help. What do you think? What helps you and your kids?

RIP Beautiful Souls

Last Friday our world lost a group of amazing people. I don't have to detail what happened, I'm sure everyone knows by now that, on that morning, a gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown, Connecticut, heavily armed, and opened fire killing 20 beautiful and innocent children, and 6 courageous and heroic staff members.

I'm not sure how my ability to feel empathy measures up to everyone else in the world, but I do know that the this tragedy in Connecticut has affected me unlike anything like it ever has. Horrible stuff happens sometimes. It has my whole life, and though it's hard to imagine in this time of tragedy, our country will certainly endure more things like this horrible event in the future. In the history of this world horrific acts of violence have dotted the timeline since the beginning. So why is this any different then other things like it? Why do I spend time crying about it as if it happened to someone in my family?

As I've pondered why this is affecting me so, I wonder if it might be because, unlike any other times, this tragic event hits me as a mother. When the Columbine tragedy happened I was a student. I was horrified and it made me sad for the victims and their families. I could somewhat relate to the kids, but only in a distant way. I could imagine being scared if that happened at my school, but it was hard to understand the emotions beyond that. When the shootings at Virginia Tech took place I was still a child in many ways. I was an adult in age, but had none of the wisdom experience has brought me now. This hits down to a core that didn't exist back then, the core of a mother. The fact that I have children whom I can't fathom loosing in such a heinous way makes my heart ache for those parents who lost beautiful children. Images of what they must be going through flash across my mind now and then bringing tears to my eyes.

I look in my closet and see the Christmas gifts bought, wrapped and tucked away for my children to bring out on Christmas Eve. I imagine a similar closet stuffed with gifts for a child that never will get to open them. I imagine a stockings hung with care for a child that wont see it on Christmas morning stuffed with goodies, and how empty those parents must feel as they look upon those things. As I prepare meals for my family I imagine the anguish of the families who are setting one less plate now at meal time. As I am doing my laundry this morning I consider what it would be like to look at the little clothes those children will never wear again. I think about my children when it thunders. How scared they get. The fierceness with which they call for my embrace, and comfort. I can't get out of my head how scared those children must have been in their final moments, and how much their parents must be especially thinking about those moments, and wondering what their child felt in them. The overwhelming fear that they might have been suffering, calmed only by the small comfort that it couldn't have been for long if they did  My children aren't much younger than the victims. I can't imagine not hearing their laughs, or their voices each day. I can't imagine them calling out to me and me not coming to their side. I can't imagine the pain of enduring life without them. A parent shouldn't have to outlive their child. It doesn't seem natural. I can't imagine their pain. Attempting to makes me want to cry.

I wish there were something I could do to make it right for these families. Even if I had every resource imaginable at my disposal I know there would be little, if anything, I could do to help, but I can offer my love, even if they don't know me, and never read this post. I can offer my prayer for the kind of comfort only Heavenly Father can give. I can offer a kind gesture in the name of honoring those lost. I've heard it requested that we offer moments of silence. I think that is a wonderful gesture, but I know if it were me that lost a loved one the silence would be stabbing and almost painful. I think about the contagious laughter of children, and their natural ability to love unconditionally and their innate desire to serve others. How better to honor those children then to draw from their example and unconditionally love and serve our neighbors.

I pray for us as a nation, that we might always remember these precious souls and as the political debates about gun control, mental illness, and violence in schools, surely ensue that we might remember how we all united upon hearing this sad news. That when someone talked about how horrible it was we didn't think about what their political stance might be; we just agreed. That we might remember the love we felt for perfect strangers that day without regard to their political or religious beliefs. That we might remember our president spoke as a father, not a politician, that his tears were genuine, even if we don't agree with all of his politics. Might we make an effort to respect the privacy and sacred healing of those families and not intrude.  God bless these families, and God bless this wonderful nation.

Proudly Seen and Heard

So a friend of mine posted a link to this article on her Facebook page. I read it and had a few thoughts on the matter I thought I would share... To sum it up first of all. He writes about the problem of undisciplined children and the bigger problem of their permissive parents. He goes on to describe an ideal world of functioning adults with quiet children.

To the main point of the article I agree, to some extent, but do have to say he comes across as an ignorant single guy who has never had to deal with children. He seems out of touch with the reality of children, and parenting; that bothers me. I was shocked at the end, when I realized he indeed has children. Apparently he is also divorced. I wonder if his unrealistic expectations of the mother of his children had anything to do with their split. I don't claim to know, or understand, his family dynamics. So I suppose it isn't fair to assume and I probably shouldn't speak of such things.

I do know how annoying it can be when someone else's unruly children are loud, obnoxious, and get in the way of an otherwise smooth trip to the store, or restaurant; and I do agree that parents shouldn't be as permissive these days as they are.

Too many children are completely unrestrained and undisciplined. This isn't good for them and it isn't good for society. We're raising a generation of deadbeats. Kids get rewards for merely existing these days (A whole other can of worms I'll touch on in a future post.) They feel entitled to everything and its our fault. We cave to their every whim and it's doing them all a disservice. Every child needs discipline and boundaries. I did, and I know for a fact it contributed to the self sufficient adult I am today. As a child I was spanked, had my mouth washed out with soap or had pepper put on it. I was lectured, and my Mother certainly possessed the skill of the "Look" he spoke of. All these things has had no negative long-term effect on me, and the threat of them made me behave, so in that sense I will agree that a lot of parents these days are far too soft in their discipline.

But there has to also be a little bit of an attitude that children will be children. Even the most disciplined children misbehave sometimes. Children aren't adults, and society's attitude geared towards forcing children to grow up faster than they already do, gets very tiresome to me. We see so many elements of this campaign; the early sexualization of children, the attitude that a kid has to do it all, have it all, and be it all, all before they even have their first kiss, or wait just kidding, kids should have their first kiss by 3rd grade and lose their virginity long before high school. The acceptance of these mindsets as the norm are dangerous even if you don't see it by way of their roots in spirituality. They will rip this world apart. Parents should preserve their children's innocence and childhoods! Why is it so bad to have kids that are exactly what they are, kids!? They have decades to be adults, and have jobs, relationships, and obligations. They'll spend years thinking about adult things, and in comparison childhood is very short.

As a parent of a [very active children] I try my very best to keep him [and the others] well behaved, especially in public; but [they are] individuals. All the discipline in the world couldn't take away the fact that [they] has [have their] own thoughts, and personalit[ies] and that ultimately [they] makes his own choices of how to conduct [themselves.] [They are] not robotic drone[s] I simply have to program to act a certain way. I wouldn't want to take away [their] agency even if I could. Sure I want there to be consequences for unattractive behavior. I want to aim the use of said agency towards responsible independence, but for now [they are children!]

Sometimes [they're] going to scream while we're at dinner. Sometimes [they're] going to throw a tantrum at the grocery store. Sometimes [they] will hit me, or yell at me to go away. It sucks, and it embarrasses me, but [they're] doing what kids are supposed to be doing, and that is learning about boundaries and what is acceptable and unacceptable. Believe me I don't just let [them] get away with it, there are punishments.

I understand it's annoying for the innocent bi-standards that happen to be nearby when [they have meltdowns,] but they should remember they were once children too; children who most likely did the same thing at one point in time. The author of the article makes it sound like parent's shouldn't be allowed to take their children to public places. That's ludicrous!

[I originally wrote this post when my oldest was 3. As evident by the above edits, my situation has changed a lot in life. And since I'm refocusing this blog I thought I'd interject on myself and viewpoints of the past. I now have 3 children. The very active 3-year-old I originally wrote of, has grown into a phenomenal 5-year-old, who is an excellent big brother to his 3-year-old sister, and 6-month-old brother. In the 3 years since writing this post a lot has changed indeed, but my point has only been proven in my children. My son who was, and in a lot of ways still is, very active and very energetic, has on his own calmed down, focused some of that energy, and learned a lot about boundaries and limitations. Allowing him the agency, and independence, to do so has been the biggest gift I've given to contribute to his growth. He isn't perfect. I'm certainly not claiming that, but he is only 5, and I'm not going to cave to societies expectation that he be almost grown up by now.]

Are we the parents of said "annoying" toddlers, and children not tax paying individuals? Do we not have temporal needs such as food, and toiletries, just like the childless of the country? Do we not also enjoy dinner out on the town, or going to the movies? Sure we do, and we give up many of those luxuries gladly!! We sacrifice a lot to be parents, especially the mother! I gave up school, and any resemblance of a disposable income. Every dollar I make now assigned to a certain purpose, every hour given to a specific task. I do all these things because I love my children and am doing my best to raise them to be great adults. The few occasions when I can go out to eat, or need to take my children with me to the grocery store, should be understood. I'm part of society even if I have children. I find it more than barbaric, and archaic, to suggest we find a way to not bring our children with us in nearly every public situation. The idea that children should be seen not heard is very ignorant, and certainly isn't tolerant or sympathetic at all!

I understand it's annoying, but try to ignore it. I'm not asking you to love my kid, just put up with him for the few passing moments you have to without judging me. As a stay at home Mom, I'd go crazy if I couldn't at least go places with my children occasionally. I understand I chose to have children, but I shouldn't be treated like a leper for that choice. Without people making the selfless choice I have made to have children our society would literally cease to exist. So I shouldn't have a scarlet letter painted on my head just because I had children. Deal with it. If I have to put up with the annoying contemporary ideals to be more tolerant of this attitude, or that lifestyle, so should all the whiny, mouthy, losers that whine about me and my kids. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. DEAL WITH IT!